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Wednesday

Almost woke up late, had to rush to get Casey out of bed and both of us ready to face the day. Got my latte, but didn’t have time to drink much of it while I was getting Casey up, dressed, and fed. Dropped him off at school, then came back home. Got parked on SL, then got on Minecraft for a bit while I drank my coffee.

It was snowing all morning, but I needed to get to Walmart for a few things. So, I ended up shoveling the driveway and then headed there. I still forgot to get more mac & cheese and jelly for Casey.

Went back home and went back to Minecraft while I waited for it to be time to pick up Casey. Then, when it was time, I headed to the school. No sign of Daniel or Michael again, so I could only assume he’d ridden the bus to his mom’s again.

Came back home and got Casey to sit on the toilet. It was around this time that Autumn finally was up and around.

I was a bundle of nerves, and said I didn’t know what to do, Daniel hadn’t even looked at the page yet with the “check yes or no” I’d sent him. I said I wondered if I should text him again, that maybe he hadn’t seen it. She said she wasn’t sure, but maybe. So, I did.

So, then he looked at it. And I got a text back that was not what I was hoping to hear. He didn’t express that he doesn’t have any sort of feelings for me, but he said he doesn’t want a relationship right now, that he needs to focus on getting things right in his own life. He said he didn’t want this to effect things with Casey and Michael, or things between us at Cub Scouts meetings. I texted him back that I appreciated his honesty, understood, and that nothing had to change. But, that after 3 months of feeling this way, I just had to come out with it.

I tried getting on Minecraft to do something to take my mind off of things, but I just couldn’t stop crying. A part of me wished I hadn’t said anything, but the realistic part of me knew that I couldn’t go on loving him silently, and that if he didn’t feel the same way even farther down the road it would just hurt even more.

Autumn felt bad and was being very supportive. But, I wanted to speak to someone. To vocalize my hurt. But I had no one. I even reached out to Colin, whom I’ve heard nothing from for days. I told him I felt like everyone I loved, I lost. He said he wasn’t abandoning me but that things had to change. I felt like he was saying something with me had to change. Umm, no, I’m not the one who needs to change. So, I responded that they do, but that I haven’t heard anything from him about them actually changing.

I’ve been in love 5 times in my life, and I haven’t managed to stay with any of them. How can this be? What’s wrong with me? I mean, if it was just one guy I’d loved and lost, it’d be different. But 5? I can look at each of those relationships and see the reason why they failed, but I can’t help but question, is it something with me?

Nik was a player, and got another girl pregnant right around the time that he and I had last seen each other. James was going off to college and didn’t want to be tied down to someone from back home. Dave’s a narcissist, but ultimately it was my jealousy that ruined things. Colin? I don’t feel like I’ve kept him, despite him saying he’s not abandoning me. I feel like I lost him the moment he preferred Barbie. And now Daniel. Who needs to fix his own life before he can get involved with someone.

All normal things, and yet, I still can’t help but question what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I keep a guy?

Eventually I managed to pull myself together enough to get Casey to get out of the bathroom. My voice squeaked as I spoke. I got the oven going for a mac & cheese pizza that Dave had bought for him, but that was big enough he and I could share. He said he was willing to try it.

Meanwhile, I got on Minecraft with Autumn. I was finally able to focus enough on getting my mind off of my heartache. I went afk to eat, and then afk to get Casey’s bath ready, and then afk to get him to bed, but otherwise have been on Minecraft. I did mining for a while, and now we’re traveling the long way to the Woodland Mansion.

Made it to the mansion, explored it, and now I’m going to try and sleep. And try not to cry myself to sleep.

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