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Tuesday & Wednesday

Woke up Tuesday morning in the arms of the man I love. It was truly amazing, again. And I did actually sleep a bit this time. Made love then he had to go to work and I needed to head back home, unsure if Dave was off the whole week or had just been off Monday.

Got home and got a latte while the computer booted, then got parked on SL. Spent quite a bit of time just scrolling on Facebook again, not really in the mood to do much else.

I kept peeking at Casey, I’d missed him and wanted snuggles but didn’t want to wake him up either. Once he finally woke up, he did come to me for snuggles, so that was nice. Then I got him breakfast and he got on his computer for some Minecraft.

Dave slept in a bit and did not go to work, which sucked.

Not too long into the day, I got word from my mom that my grandma isn’t doing very well at all, and that she doesn’t really even look like herself anymore. My cousin was with her at the time and my mom asked if I wanted to see a picture my cousin had sent of her. I said yes, and I’d agree my grandma wasn’t really looking like my grandma. I sent my cousin a message on Facebook, with a message for my grandma. She said that my grandma has a very distant look in her eyes and isn’t talking much. She felt it wouldn’t be long now. Spent quite a bit of time talking to her, all the while wishing I could just hop in my car and go see my grandma one last time, though not sure I’d even make it in time. I also still didn’t want to disrespect her wishes.

I had some anxiety throughout the day, probably both because of the birth control regimen and the stress of my grandma’s condition. I do feel kinda sad about things, because I haven’t seen her in 2 years despite only being a couple hours away. But that’s not really my fault, my knee has kept me from driving that far. And I also haven’t talked to her a lot over the years, which I feel bad about. And now she’s dying. But I’m mostly stressed because I know she’s not comfortable, despite the constant morphine she’s getting now. I know she’s been ready for a couple years now, but she’s still hanging on.

Dave went to stay the night with one of his girlfriends, the only one he really talks about anymore so I’m not sure if he’s still seeing the other girl or not. Nor do I care. So, I got to talk to Colin for a bit.

I took a bath to try and relax, that helped a bit. Colin had his dinner while I was in the bath, then we talked a bit more after until he was ready for bed. I was ready to lay down for a while myself. Took a nap for a couple hours, then got up in time to make sure Casey had some food and then got him to do his bedtime stuff.

Got Casey all tucked in, and then Cyn was asking what I wanted to do. I didn’t really want to do anything, but eventually said I could get on Aura Kingdom with her and at least change clothes, but I wasn’t sure I’d be up for long after that. I was already pretty tired by then, but it was only about 9:15 and I wanted to make it at least another half hour so I wouldn’t be up too early the next day.

Managed to change my outfit on Aura Kingdom, I think I picked good colors but don’t really know since I was kinda dozing off. Cyn never made it on, she had a continuous loading screen. Either way, ended up saying goodnight and going to bed.

This morning, woke up feeling a bit better. Grabbed a latte while the computer booted, then got parked on SL. I still wasn’t really feeling like doing anything. It’s crazy, I’m bored out of my mind all day every day but just don’t feel like doing anything at all, so I just end up scrolling through Facebook all day. I think my depression is worsening.

Had a grand total of 3 cups of coffee, the second 2 were regular coffees. I thought I was doing ok.

Dave got home around 10 or 11.

Around noon I made a home chef. I took lots of pictures, so I should try and post about it! It was pretty good.

After that, everything about my day changed. I started having an awful panic attack, leading to an IBS attack as well. Contributing factors would be the usual, the hormones and my grandma’s condition. The panic attack lasted late into the day. We were out of ginger ale, too, so I had nothing to settle my stomach. Eventually I went to take Pepto, only to find that it was all expired. So, I had to go to the store. Grabbed cat litter while I was there since we were out, the ginger ale, a variety of pepto, and a powerade.

Started feeling better not long after getting home, but still stressed and on edge. During the panic attack, I’d sent Daniel some teasing texts, to make him think I’d cut my hair and also that I was going to his place tonight because he’d told some people on Adult Friend Finder that I stay with him a lot. At first he didn’t object, but later on he said he was staying at his parents’ house. I said I didn’t mind going there, that I could be quiet. But then he dropped a bombshell. He’s working farther away next week, but may be going back to his old job. I’m assuming he means the one in Milwaukee, which is a couple hours away. Which means I won’t see him very much at all. Which means he won’t get 50/50 time with Michael either. I spoke my mind about it, but am still waiting for him to even see that message. Depending on what he says if he responds, I’m going to reiterate that if he changes his mind about me coming to his parents’ house, I really do need to feel his arms around me tonight. I’m under too much stress, I need him. He makes me feel safe and secure, warm (ok, sometimes overly hot) and snuggly.

Heard from my mom that someone has stolen my grandma’s wallet and checkbook, and no one knows when she last had them, if she had it at the hospital or at the nursing home. So now my Uncle has to deal with that on top of everything else. And all her insurance cards were in her wallet, too. And none of her kids know anything about her financial situation. That’s really not good at all.

A couple hours passed and Daniel had been shown as active on Facebook from time to time, but he didn’t even read my message. I was starting to get sleepy, but felt a desperate need to feel his arms around me. Finally, I just sent him a goodnight message and said that I would have to imagine his arms around me since I couldn’t really have them, because hopefully at least that would help me feel a little better. It’s not even 10pm but I’m pretty much ready for bed anyway.

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