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Thursday

Got up, got my coffee, and got parked on SL while getting Casey up, dressed, and fed. Got a text from Daniel fairly early on asking why I said I loved him. I told him it was because I did. He said, again, that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I sent him a screenshot of his Tinder profile, saying “uh huh, right.” He said something like, “well yeah, eventually, but not right now.”

Dropped Casey off at school, while still exchanging texts here and there with Daniel. I’d kept saying nothing had to change between us, and he decided to take me up on that, but only if I was sure. So, I ended up going over there. He’d already said he was exhausted from working all night after only a couple hours sleep, and was sleeping when I arrived. I woke him up, we did our thing and then he fell asleep holding me. I should mention, he snores. I’m not sure if I’d be able to sleep in the same room as him or not, would have to try to find out. He asked me to stay, but I couldn’t because I didn’t have my phone charger so couldn’t set an alarm to make sure I would be up and out the door in time to pick Casey up from school.

Went back home and got on Conan to refresh the bases, took care of my free book & paid emails, then got on Blade & Soul.

When I heard from Autumn shortly thereafter, she was not thrilled that things weren’t changing. She said a few things that she probably thought I’d be upset about, but I wasn’t. Things like, that he’s probably just looking for someone who isn’t me. I told her that was a concern of mine, and that I wanted to talk to him about it, but sometime when he wasn’t exhausted. She agreed that might be helpful.

I texted him about what Autumn had said, and he replied with some things I didn’t want to hear. He did admit that he’s still in love with Leanne, his ex and Michael’s mom. Michael being Casey’s best friend. I’d suspected that for a while, especially after seeing framed photos of them around his house after he first moved in. He said he didn’t think they’d ever get back together, but that he didn’t feel he would be getting over her for a long time. While he does feel he’s not ready for a relationship, he said that when the time comes for him to commit to someone it’s going to probably be someone younger than him that can still have kids. I’m 4 years older than him and can’t have kids anymore. He also said that he thought my friend was probably right, that he wasn’t a good guy for a relationship and doesn’t want to cause me irreparable pain/damage.

I replied with some things I felt needed saying, including some things that I’d been wanting to tell him for a long time. I told him that I’d suspected he was still in love with Leanne, and offered that he may never get over her. I added that I am still in love with and still talk to my first love (Nik). I told him about exactly why I can’t have more kids: I have PMDD that causes severe anxiety and depression, so they burned my uterus to see if stopping my cycle would help (it didn’t). I told him I didn’t believe for one second that he wasn’t a good guy for a relationship, that he’s a great guy and is so good to me. In reply to the part about causing irreparable damage, I told him about me being poly and that it comes with the territory. I’d hinted at being poly to him but never outright confessed. I did add that if the right person came along and asked me to be monogamous I would. I also added that I had been monogamous with him thus far. I told him I hadn’t been able to bring myself to even talk to another guy yet, with the exception of Colin. Yep, told him about Colin, too. I also pointed out that he’s the best I’d ever had and I worried no one else would ever come close to comparing. And then I told him about a couple other reasons I wasn’t worried about irreparable damage. Like having been date-raped at 14 to lose my virginity and also having married a guy who would end up being abusive verbally, emotionally, and mentally. And then I finished the lengthy text by saying, yet again, that nothing had to change.

For some reason, after that exchange, I felt elated. I suspect it was simply because I’d finally told him some things I’d been holding back, like about the rape, about talking to a couple other guys but not sleeping with anyone else. And about being poly. Either way, I was thrilled!

While I waited on a response, I got back to Blade & Soul. I intended to do a raid I needed to do, but I got side-tracked by trying to get new outfits instead. So, that was what I worked on, for quite a while too.

A while after Dave got home, he went completely ape on Max just because he meowed. Then I heard Casey ask him for a plate, and he responded by telling Casey he was being demanding. And then Stormy went in the kitchen to meow at him, and he cooed at her. I was telling Autumn all that while it was happening, saying that something must have crawled up his ass and died today. She asked if Stormy was his girlfriend, and I lol’d. She asked if she was at least cute, and I said yeah. So she said she was too good for him then lol.

I’d put a mexican style lasagna in the oven for dinner. It was ready by the time Dave was done working out. So, what does he do? He bakes a veggie lasagna for himself. What sense does that make? To have 2 family-size meals made in one night?

Got Casey to bed at the usual time, and was doing a few things on Blade and Soul but felt tired by 9:30 so went to bed.

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