It is with a heavy heart that I write about Thursday.
It started off as expected, for the most part. Got up and got some coffee while the computer booted, then got parked on SL. Casey had slept by Dave the night before, and was still sleeping when I got up. When he woke up, he complained about a sore throat, but otherwise seemed ok.
A while later, just after I’d made him a hot cocoa and he’d gotten settled in the living room to watch stuff on the Roku, he said he felt ickies. I knew what he meant but confirmed, yes he felt like he was going to be sick. With the sore throat he’d had for a few days, I was sure it was just mucous in his belly upsetting things. Either way, I would not be able to take him with me to my grandma’s funeral.
I reached out to Dave, asking if he had a class in session, because Casey wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be able to go with me. He said he did, but that he had 3 guest instructors in and would be able to come home so I could still go to the service.
Headed to Merrill, and arrived at the church with about 45 minutes left of the visitation. There was no need for me to be there for all of that part of the services, so that was fine. I got to see my grandma again and say goodbye, and mingled with a lot of family members while waiting for the funeral to start.
The funeral service was nice. Of course, being a Lutheran funeral, they did a full mass, minus communion, with it. It was still very nice.
After the funeral, there was a luncheon in the basement. It was pretty good food, and I was thankful for it since I hadn’t really eaten anything yet. More mingling with family, and then around 4 I headed out so I could get home at a reasonable time.
Got home and launched ArcheAge, and went to use the bathroom while it loaded. That was when my world fell apart. I passed the gestational sac, the thing doctors weren’t convinced could possibly be what it was. I had miscarried.
A part of me was somewhat relieved. I’d been under so much stress, not knowing how I could possibly bring another child into the world like this, in my present circumstance. And also somewhat relieved because I wouldn’t have to worry about having Daniel in my life for another 18 years, raising a child separately together.
But most of me was absolutely crushed. Devastated at the unexpected loss. I’d been brought crashing down into the depths I’d never known, and never wanted to know.
Once I had composed myself enough to leave the bathroom, I went and finished launching ArcheAge so I could talk to Cyn there, but texted her what had happened. I also sent a message to Colin.
The idea was to use ArcheAge to distract myself, because I couldn’t very well break down, not with Dave and Casey there. But I wasn’t doing very well with it. I was, however, thankful to be able to talk to Cyn there.
I sent a message on the patient online services to the doctor, explaining that I had just passed something when using the restroom.
Then I got a message from Daniel on Facebook. He asked why his test for chlamydia had come back negative. I responded simply with “no clue.” So then he pressed further, asking why my test had come back positive. I went off, saying “No fucking clue because I haven’t slept with anyone but you in over a year. But I can’t deal with this right now. I just miscarried.” He saw that message right away, but never responded.
I told my friend Mandie, and she urged me to call the doctor. I was also looking some information up online, and saw some pictures included with my search that I didn’t want to see but confirmed what I knew to be true. I learned I should have stored the sac in an air-tight container, to give it to the doctor for testing. In my shock, I had flushed it. Flushed away the only real evidence I had ever had that I had been pregnant.
I tried to call the doctor after a short while, but the only option I had was to talk to an on-call nurse for the entire Mayo Clinic Health System of this area, I wouldn’t be able to talk to a nurse for my particular doctor. I hung up, resolved to wait for a response to my message.
I made some coffee, perhaps to try to perk me up a bit. It sounded good, either way. I gathered all of my energy to focus it on ArcheAge, dealing with “real life” by focusing on an alternate reality. It was very difficult, because I just wanted to curl up and cry, but I got some meaningless shit done on there while waiting for sleepiness to take me.