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There is too much…

I just can’t believe how frequently I go months without posting, when in all honesty I really do NEED to post more, as it’s therapeutic for me.

So much has been going on since my last REAL update, I don’t even know where to begin!

Several months ago now, I started having a harder and harder time getting sleepy at night. I’ve always suffered from this type of insomnia, but it has been getting progressively worse. After a few nights of me having a drink as I was reading before bed, it seemed to me a great idea to continue it as a method for getting to bed more easily. Nevermind that I would wake up feeling like I didn’t sleep well at all… Well, after a while, Dave started accusing me of being an alcoholic. But he was still buying alcohol for himself as well, and I just denied it. One day, while I was out, Dave dumped out ALL our alcohol. I was livid. Instead of starting an argument or anything, I just called my doctor and made an appointment, letting them know the reason for the appointment was going to be help for insomnia. When I went to the appointment, the doctor never mentioned that he wouldn’t be willing to EVER prescribe medications for sleep, but he upped the doses of my other medications, saying they SHOULD be helping me sleep but maybe I just needed a higher dose. I tried that for SEVERAL weeks, to no avail, and one day Dave magically started letting me drink again, so I just thought whatever. Once I was out of refills for the medications, I made an appointment to follow up with my doctor. I told him the medications weren’t working. I explained that I wanted to get off the gabapentin altogether anyway because it wasn’t making a difference in my arthritis pain. I also told him I wanted to try getting off the zoloft because I theoretically shouldn’t need it anymore after having the surgery over a year ago. He wrote me new prescriptions, but we agreed I would try to ween off of them to see how I did. So, I asked him what to do about my difficulty getting to sleep. I had told him I was taking around 90mg of melatonin, on top of the prescriptions, plus tylenol PM and unisom every night and STILL unable to get to sleep at a reasonable time. I NEED to be able to get more sleep, and GOOD sleep too. I can’t keep functioning like this. Anyway, the doctor went on and on about various medication free techniques for me to try. Turn off all electronics. Don’t read or watch TV or do ANYTHING for an hour before bed. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, doc. The whole reason I have trouble sleeping is that I can’t stop THINKING at night. Not necessarily about anything in particular, nothing necessarily stressful, but my thoughts just won’t stop. I tell him this. I tell him I either read or watch TV at night to shut off my thoughts, but that it still is too lengthy of a process and still requires too many pills to accomplish. And often still results in me having at least one drink. He tells me I need to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. I explain that neither of those will EVER happen again because I lost a good 5 years of my life to the field in the past due to misdiagnosis. He goes on about me not wanting to be on medications, so I tell him that I’m not opposed to medications so long as they’re actually needed, and that I don’t feel the gabapentin or zoloft are needed anymore. I mention sleeping pills and he fruits out, says he refuses to prescribe sleeping pills, and then tells me he’ll give me my prescriptions in case i do need them and then walks out of the exam room. GREAT. So your answer is to leave me high and dry?

On to another field of medicine: dental. I’ve still been clenching my teeth all the time. I finally made an appointment with a dentist to see about a mouth guard. I had tried an OTC one (boil & bite) and it damn near ruined my mouth. It never hardened properly I guess. The dentist took xrays and whatnot and said she’d need to see if my upper right 2nd molar needed a root canal / crown before doing the impression for a mouth guard. It was like pulling teeth (haha) getting the appointment scheduled at a time when I wouldn’t have to take Casey with me, though. Finally I managed to get in when my parents would be in town. She started the work to try and do a filling, but did indeed expose the nerve, so referred me for the root canal. I managed to get most of that taken care of while my parents were still in town to babysit. I say most of that because after over 2 hours of the other dentist working on it, he hadn’t yet finished and decided to have me come in after two weeks for the rest. That’ll be this coming Monday. The area he has to work on happens to be awkwardly positioned, making it harder on the both of us. I guess he felt that he and I both needed a break from the ordeal. Needless to say, I can’t wait till it is done!

And on to perhaps the most troubling of what I’m dealing with. So, I had been seeing a lot of news stuff about Tinder, and decided to search for it on the amazon app store. It just said a new way of meeting new people, and the description implied that it wasn’t a “hookup” app. So, I thought, let’s see what it’s about. Boy did I get an ego boost from all the guys wanting to hook up! Lol. Finally I realized that’s what the app was for. Since Dave had finally agreed to the open marriage, I didn’t delete the app, but I also wasn’t aiming to hook up with anybody. I suppose I was using it, then, for entertainment and the ego boost. Dave was peering over my shoulder, and teased me about the app. I told him I wasn’t planning to use it for hookups, that when I first installed it I legitimately thought it was just for making new friends and whatnot. I told him, though, why not use it for hookups? And that maybe he should try it too! So, the next day, he had me help him set up his profile. We’ve both been on it since, and have both met people. The only girl he’s hooked up with thus far became too attached. Then he badmouthed me to her and she stopped talking to him anyway. That particular situation led to me demanding we take a break from the whole “open marriage” thing because it didn’t feel like it was working out. I was definitely having some jealousy issues, but not because of him talking to other women or sleeping with the one… it was mostly because he was treating them better than me. He still treats me like shit, still insults me, tries to control me… I still feel he’s verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive towards me. So why are we even trying to have an open marriage when we should be working on our marriage first? Yeah I still want to be able to do what I want at the end of it, but we need to have a strong marriage for it to work. Sometime leading up to the “too attached girl” incident, Dave had also put a pin lock on his phone. I felt he was trying to hide SOMETHING and that hurt. I had noticed, when trying to unlock it, he had it set to do a factory reset after 10 failed attempts. So I would purposefully do 9 failed attempts each night before bed. One morning, lo and behold, he did the 10th failed attempt himself, and his phone did the factory reset. So, he stopped putting a pin number on his phone, but was deleting ALL his txt messages before I would have a chance to see anything. This confirmed he HAS to be trying to hide something from me. So, I did some research on how I could snoop without him knowing, and put an SMS tracker on his phone. A disguised one. That was how I had actually found out that the one girl was too attached and he was badmouthing me. And I had also seen that, despite me calling everything “closed” instead of the open marriage, he was still talking to women behind my back. I made such accusations, and he said I could read all his txts if I wanted, so then a few days later I happened upon an excuse to mention that I AM reading all his txts. Great, so now he knows. And despite me constantly laying down the law about him talking to other women, he was still talking to them. When I told him he COULDN’T, he kept saying I was trying to keep him from having a social life. I insisted he was welcome to talk to whoever he damn well pleased, as long as it wasn’t someone he met via tinder or anything else of the like. He tried to say it didn’t matter how he’d met them. Well, you’re wrong, dear, it matters very much. Nevertheless, after a few days, I started wanting to talk to guys again… so, I laid down some rules. Such as we have sex with each other at least once a week, we snuggle at least 3 times a week, and a few others. That lasted all of a week. And he’s still treating me like shit, and sometimes Casey too. And he mostly denies he’s treating me/us poorly, but one night he DID say that he would sometimes get hostile for no apparent reason, and he knew he was doing it but couldn’t stop it. But that was just one time he admitted to it, and he hasn’t again since, instead is back to denial.

Well, Monday was our 13 year wedding anniversary, but the last several days have been anything but romantic. We didn’t even have sex. And then last night, he wanted to Skype with one of the women. And I put my foot down, saying NO, absolutely not. Because there’s only one reason people who are talking with the intention to hook up at some point would really Skype with each other, that’s to masturbate while on webcam, and he’s not even intimate enough with his own damn wife, he sure as hell doesn’t need to be intimate over webcam with someone else.

I just can’t for the life of me get him to understand that the way he treats me is NOT ok, and that it needs to change. And every time I try to bring up that we don’t need to have an open marriage anymore, he fruits out about it. And it hurts. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I personally don’t actually want to close off our marriage to other people. But, we don’t have a healthy marriage. And no matter how I may try to at the very least get him to take a break, he won’t. And I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking, if not for Casey, I would definitely say I regret ever coming back to Dave after I had walked out on him for a week a few years ago. I feel like I am living in hell with him. And any time I try to bring up how he treats me, he says I’m welcome to leave if it’s that bad. Instead of trying to fix it, he just wants me gone. That’s how it sounds to me anyway. But I have nowhere to go. Nobody to help me escape. I’m trapped here in a loveless marriage to a guy who would rather be with anyone else but me. And I have no way to fix it. There’s no point in even bringing it up to him anymore because he’ll just deny it and all but show me the door.

I can’t keep typing about this right now…

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