I’ve been begging for marriage counseling for years because I haven’t been happy with the way Dave treats me. It started around the time we moved to North Carolina and got more involved with the swinging lifestyle. But, we both had so much fun with it, neither of us wanted to give it up. Though, when times were worse, we’d pause from it and eventually go back when things seemed better.
He talks down to me, all the time. He treats me as more of a maid than a partner or wife. He’s like a fucking dictator. I’ve said time and again I don’t deserve to be treated that way. He says things too that he insists is just teasing but really hurt, particularly about my weight. Which, by the way, I’ve done a lot to improve over the years after the combination of PCOS and lithium/Depakote caused me to gain a LOT.
I had also been begging him for an open marriage from before we were even married, and he always refused. Eventually he caved, when I expressed to him I was concerned that if I were out at a bar and getting hit on I may slip up and cheat on him again, as I’d done twice before at that point.
So, we tried the open marriage. I enjoyed having the freedom to “play” with others, but I couldn’t get past the jealousy I felt when Dave was constantly texting other women and not paying enough attention to me, or that when he was paying attention to me it was the same old negative bullshit.
So, Dave is currently at a class in Virginia for the Army, and there was this girl he was talking to the last time he was there. We’d had many arguments leading up to the class on whether or not I was ok with him even continuing to talk to her, much less anything else. He’d finally stopped texting her, but eventually asked for permission to again. So, I talked to her on the phone, and she seemed very sweet, so I gave my blessing for *friendship.*
In the days before he left for the class, he suddenly asked for a separation. I had been emphasizing that I was ok with them being friends but not more. So, naturally I am under the assumption he only wants a separation thinking I’d let him sleep around then. Hell no! Once I set him straight on that, he insisted we didn’t need a separation and everything was fine. I was hesitant to let them still speak to each other, but under much pressure from him, finally agreed he could.
He has an old tablet that has Verizon’s messaging app on it, so I was able to stay in tune with what was going on, and saw he’d been sexting with her, so nicely reminded him that nothing sexual at all was supposed to be going on. He thanked me for reminding him so nicely of the guidelines.
Suddenly today, after I send him a text saying “I don’t sleep well without you,” he tells me “You do know that we probably will need to seek marriage counseling when I get back right?” I said “You’ve refused to all this time… why change your mind now?” He says “It’s either we work on our issues and see what happens or we move on from each other. All this time apart has made me realize how unhappy I am when we are together.” I respond “Well great because I’ve been wanting to work on our issues for years” then a while later another one “So what things are making you unhappy enough to not want to be with me after 14 years together and having a child together? Cuz until called off the open marriage you always said things were fine and we didn’t need counseling.” His response, “This is the time you need to do your homework and self reflect as to why you think I’m unhappy. I’m not hasning anything out unless it’s in front of a trained professional. I’m done with all arguments.” I said “Well I think it’s because I still smoke, I wear pjs all day, you don’t think I do enough with Casey, and I’m not fun in bed. I’m not trying to argue but we do still need to communicate.” Then a while later I added “Oh, and also because now you want an open marriage and I refuse. I’m guessing that’s the main one and if I changed my mind everything would be hunkey dorey in your eyes again.” He says “Like I said, self reflect, keep track of your ideas and we will work on them with a counselor.” I say “You can’t just refuse to speak to me at all unless it’s in front of a counselor…” and he says “I will talk to you, I’m just not debating this stuff now” so I just say “Fine.”
Meanwhile I send a message to Megan, the girl he’s been talking to in Virginia. “I’m a little in the dark as to what went on between you and Dave. All I know is I told him he couldn’t sleep with you long before he ever left for school in VA. Prior to him leaving, he said he wanted a separation, and I just can’t help thinking he thought he’d be able to sleep with you (or anyone) that way, but once I set him straight he said everything was fine and we didn’t need a separation or counseling or anything. I told him he could still talk to you after much pressure from him, then I found out he’d been sexting with you, and reminded him nothing sexual at all was supposed to be going on, including sexting, and now suddenly after he finally was honest with you (so he claims), he’s saying we either need marriage counseling or a divorce, and won’t speak to me unless it’s in front of a trained professional. Care to clue me in here?”
So, I’m kind of shell-shocked right now. I mean, I guess I should be jumping for joy that he FINALLY sees that we need counseling to improve our marriage. Well, that or divorce but I don’t think he fully understands what would be involved if we got a divorce… like him having to continue to provide me with the life I’ve been accustomed to… he literally couldn’t afford to divorce me. But that’s beside the point. We have a 3 year old son to think about, we need to try to solve our problems, not run away from them. But I just can’t help but think that the only thing bringing this on is whatever happened between him and Megan after I reminded him he couldn’t sext either. I thought things were getting better. Things seemed better to me when we were on Skype a few times. I’m just shocked. Like I said, I should be jumping for joy, but I’m just not. I’m shocked. I’m not sure what to think.
Oh, and by the way, the thing about me not being fun in the bedroom? Bullshit. I’d be a lot more fun in the bedroom if he’d give me half a chance. Anywho, I digress. We haven’t had sex in more than 6 months now… neither of us even tries. I know sex isn’t what makes a marriage, but it certainly does help when there’s passion. We have no passion, we need to get it back. It’s hard though, when you have two people who don’t get along. We just need to get along… stop with the fighting. He needs to see what kind of a prick he really is most of the time and start treating me better. Maybe if he treated me the way I deserved, he’d find himself to be a lot happier with me.
And the smoking thing? I smoked a cigarette just before walking down the aisle to marry him. I was a smoker when we met. He’s just suddenly fed up with smokers, so he CLAIMS. One girl he had over when we still had the open marriage was smoking heavily while she was here. He claims though, that despite that, and since that, that he’s done with people who smoke altogether. I’m wanting and trying to quit regardless, though I admit I’ve been smoking more lately and not less, but I do aim to quit by the time he gets back. Maybe that’ll improve things as well. And I can easily wear clothes during the day if it’s that important to him. And I do know I need to do more with Casey, and I plan to.
So, I am just a little, I don’t even know. I need to blog here more so I can track things better, and to let my feelings out in a healthy way. So, stay tuned for updates…