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Stressed and depressed…

Let me start by saying that, after 3 weeks without our household goods, we found out yesterday that, although they’ve arrived in Houston, we still can’t get them until the 26th. We were fuming. We are already going crazy from not having a bed, comfy chairs, and having to watch a limited selection of streaming live TV through Comcast. When I told my mom, she said they were wanting to get us a new flat screen for our bedroom anyway as our big Christmas gift, and that I should go ahead and get it and she’d send me a check to cover it. So at least now we have real TV to watch. I thought it was a 720p, but turns out it was a steal of a deal, a 32 inch 1080p for only $218 plus tax! I was excited! And, of course, Casey is thrilled. It just wasn’t practical to try and watch anything on the laptops because we had to keep it out of his reach and the screen is so much smaller.

Later yesterday afternoon or evening, Dave got a call that they can move us up to the 22nd for delivery. A little better, but we still should have had our stuff by now. The required delivery date was the 12th, and our stuff was delayed in Iowa for some reason and arrived to Houston on the 11th. I just can’t understand why they can’t get our stuff delivered if they have possession of it. They did say we can file an “inconvenience claim” to purchase some further basic necessities to get us through, such as blankets, towels, sheets, dishes, pots, pans, utensils, and even an air mattress for Casey since he didn’t have one. Cuz, lemme tell ya, we have NOT been sleeping well sharing our beds with him. Everything we bought had to be the cheapest we could find, but I was just grateful to be able to get some of that stuff. I also got myself a new bag chair since mine was on it’s last leg.

So, that’s why I’m stressed. I feel myself constantly clenching my teeth. I try to relax, but I just can’t. Nothing relaxes me and the stress is bringing on another bout of depression. I’ve suffered from depression for, oh idk most of my life. It is because of my hormone imbalance, and unfortunately is uncontrollable. I’m on daily medication, but when I’m under such tremendous stress it doesn’t work well enough.

I read a lot these days, a lot of romance novels. And the female characters are always saying that, when they are in true love, they need the man as they need air to breathe. I’ve always thought that was rather pathetic. I guess now I think that *I* am rather pathetic. Because that is how I feel about Nik.

Whenever I question why I can’t just be happy, the typical response is that people make their own happiness. Believe me, I’ve tried that. But, being trapped in an abusive relationship makes it rather difficult. When I feel any measure of happiness, and then get the verbal/emotional/mental abuse from Dave, it washes away my happiness and makes me sad again. He’s constantly insulting me, but then tries to say he’s “just teasing” and to not take everything so literal. How else am I supposed to take it? With some of the things he says, there’s no way to take it as “just teasing.” No matter how much happiness I can seem to find on my own, leave it to Dave to ruin it.

And then there’s Nik. (A lot of this is a repeat from previous posts, sorry.) Shit, the song by Savage Garden, “I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You,” it totally applies. Our relationship began shortly before my Freshman year, over the phone. We talked constantly. My parents had forbid us to be together, so I constantly struggled internally over whether or not to obey their wishes. But, even before I met him, I knew I loved him. He was my first real relationship, my first kiss, my first love, and the first guy who ever turned me on. I didn’t even know what was going on with me and was rather embarrassed! That was when we were dancing at my homecoming bonfire that year. We were on and off all through high school, and then everything came to a crashing halt the summer after I graduated. He wanted me to go down on him, but I was scared of getting hurt, so I didn’t do anything beyond making out and groping. After that night, I found out my parents were going to be out of town, and my brother was gone as well, so I invited Nik to spend the night. I planned to go all the way with him. But I never heard from him again until this past March. Nearly 15 years. I had added him on Facebook a few years ago, and he accepted, but we never really talked. On his Birthday, all I said was “Happy Birthday,” and it spiraled into this crazy affair. For those few weeks before we saw each other again, I kept questioning a few things. First, did I really love him, or was I just infatuated and craving “the one that got away”? And, can this be real? That my first love, the one I regretted not giving myself to, could possibly desire me? I am so insecure, that I always doubt people’s positive feelings toward me, in any type of relationship. I’ve always thought Nik was completely perfect, in my eyes. No matter how his appearance has changed over the years, in my eyes, in my heart, he’s always been perfect. Probably because I feel he’s perfect for me. Any flaws that may exist are irrelevant, he’s perfect. Leading up to when I saw him again, I was so nervous I was chain smoking and popping xanax due to having a panic attack about it. Then he got there, and my heart did all this crazy flip flopping. And then I felt his lips on mine again, and I knew, it was love. Real and true, to my core. To feel his lips on mine and his arms around me was pure ecstasy. No one has ever kissed me like him, and I have never been truly satisfied with anyone’s kisses but his. Just remembering how his lips feel on mine brings me to heaven. To have finally given all of myself to him was the greatest bliss I’ve ever felt. The only thing I want now is to be able to really, truly be with him. But then there’s the problem of him constantly getting caught by his wife. And enter my doubts. If she’s still with him, what is he telling her when she reads our messages, to keep her around? Does he truly love her? I hope so, just so that he is happy. He has said our feelings are mutual, but I haven’t heard him say he loves me for so many years. I have doubts. Constant doubts. My insecurity is so bad, that I can’t stop the doubts until I have reassurance. But I get nothing.

She was the one who’d blocked me on the Facebook account I sent him the last message on. He’s still as a friend on my old Facebook, and he’s still following me on Twitter and Google+. He’s only said I need to stop all contact for a while. But damnit, this is the risk we knew we were taking, and he said he wanted to keep this relationship going, so why can’t he find a way to communicate with me, and be more careful to not get caught? Or, is he wanting to get caught, and wanting her to give up and leave him? Hell if I know. But damnit I need him, like I need air to breathe. I can only get by for so long on my memories of him and being able to look at the few pictures I have. My heart needs to be reassured that this is real. It always feels like a dream. Too unreal. Too good to be true. That I could possibly have anything going with the man I love so deeply. I want to know if he loves me in return. I deserve to know. My insecurity demands that I have the reassurance, that he loves me. Not that our feelings our mutual, I want him to tell me he loves me. I want to know it’s real. I want to feel his lips on mine, his arms around me, and I never want to let him go. I want a way out of my abusive marriage, so I can be with Nik. And damnit if I don’t wish to hell that he would be able to really be with me, too. I will wait, for as long as I need to, and if I can’t really be with him until I take my dying breath, it would be worth the wait. Just having him communicate with me makes me happy. I can find happiness on my own in little things, enough to carry me through, but what I really need is just to know that this is real. That he loves me. That he wants to be with me. Even if we have to wait the rest of our lives. Even though I don’t want to wait the rest of our lives.

The plan: wait until our house sells, which will hopefully be soon, then start stashing money away for my escape. Once Casey is old enough for school, if I can make it that long, we flee back to Georgia. I will need enough money to last at least a few months while I look for a job. The only way this plan can change is if the abuse stops, but I doubt it will. I do love Dave, really I do, but I can’t be with him if it means putting up with his constant abuse.

And what does Nik think of the abuse I endure? He knows about it, through some of my previous Facebook posts and a few tweets. How does it make him feel, that I am going through this? Or does he even care?

Am I a horrible person for wishing his wife would just leave him so we can be together? Yet I want him to be happy more than anything, so if he’s happy with her, well that just makes me feel torn. Whatever may happen, I don’t want him to feel hurt. I sense something has happened in those 15 years apart to make him put up walls around his heart. I’m not sure what happened, and for all I know it was because of me. He knew the risk we were taking, said he wanted to, but then when he gets caught he pulls away. What on earth is he saying to her to keep her around? Ugh.

So conflicted. I have to end this post because my brain is just going in circles and it’s going to make me dizzy.

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