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Saturday

I got up and got some coffee while the computer booted, then took care of my free book & paid emails. I played around on Facebook for a bit, then got a couple more hours of work in. That finally got me caught up with my hours for the week.

Dave had work in the morning. When he got home he announced he was going to Jennifer’s. Casey asked to go with, and Dave said that was fine. I said it was fine as well, but deep down inside the paranoia set in. I helped get his suitcased all packed for an overnighter away.

They headed out and I started panicking. Not a panic attack, but more a feeling of paranoia and dread. I’ve had this since I was 15, this not being able to be alone at night thing. It all goes back to the one time when my family was all out for the evening, and I was looking out the window. I saw eyes looking back at me, not a reflection but an actual person. It was shortly after I’d been raped, around the time that Jamie (not the same one) was tormenting me. She lived in the neighborhood across the road from us. She knew where I lived, I believed it was her.

Anyway, my thoughts began spiraling out of control. I was very scared that I wouldn’t be able to cope with living on my own again. Sure, I’d have Casey most of the time and that would help, but I wouldn’t have another adult in the house. This terrified me. Next thing I knew, I was in tears. I even ugly-cried over it.

I texted Brad to see if it were possible for me to see him, but he said he’d had a rough night and wasn’t doing so well. He just wanted to be alone. I said to him, I don’t know how he can do it, I can’t stand to be alone in my own headspace.

Finally, I was able to snap myself out of it enough to at least watch a movie. I watched Twilight. Perfect movie for someone who’s worried about ex’s stalking her!! I got into it, though, and was glad I’d watched it again after so long.

After the movie was over, I tried to get on Fallout 76. I was already in a Discord call, but it was staticky. Fallout was so laggy, I couldn’t even play. I tried rebooting the computer and the internet, but it didn’t help. It was getting late anyway, so I gave up and went to bed.

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