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Naked hubby…

So, I didn’t realize Dave was getting undressed to hop in the shower. I went to ask him a question about tax documents, since today’s the last day TurboTax has a discount for filing. He was stark naked! I covered my eyes at first. Then I uncovered them and made an off-handed comment about him needing to shave once in a while, make it more aesthetically pleasing. He responded with something to the effect of, “There’s no point, I don’t use it for anything besides urinating. If I wasn’t stuck in a crappy marriage I could go out and have some fun once in a while and use it.”

I don’t want to be stuck in a crappy marriage. I want to be in a good marriage where he doesn’t feel the need to go out and have some fun once in a while, with women who aren’t me. Who I can’t seem to measure up to.

This marriage has been crappy for 12 years now. Ever since he got back from his last deployment during the Iraq war. He’s a completely different person. And, due to my struggle with mental illness (first a mis-diagnosis as bipolar, and eventually, a few years ago, a correct diagnosis of PMDD, very similar mental conditions, except it’s different chemicals that need to be treated), so am I. He started constantly talking down to me, belittling me, insulting me even. I withdrew into this shell.

It was around this time last year that he asked for a divorce. Instead of proceeding, we’re even extending our lease for another year in this house together. He once told me that he doesn’t want to go through with the divorce, because he can’t imagine not having Casey in his daily life. That’s all fine and dandy, but I still love him and want things to work!

I want to be able to snuggle into bed with him. I want to be able to tell him EVERYTHING. I want us to be happy together, not “stuck together.” I want to be that kind of person, who can do those things! Who feels comfortable initiating conversation and snuggle time. Why must I be SO introverted that I can’t even bring myself to talk to and snuggle with my own husband?

And, for that matter, why can’t he be a kind and loving husband? Why can’t he respect me, as his partner in life. Why must he always talk down to me, like I’m more of an incompetent maid than a wife?

Around this time last year, he saw a psychiatrist. He realized how unhappy he was. The psychiatrist defined him as being emotionally abusive towards others. He went to a few sessions of therapy before we moved, but hasn’t been back now that we’re here. The insurance required him to get a new authorization, since we’re in a different region. It seems he never even tried again.

Meanwhile, I’m trying. To better myself. Not for him, though. For me. Because I do see my own flaws, and I want to be a better person. And, let’s face it, I need help coping with this situation, and whatever the outcome may be.

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