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I’m really struggling to not snap at my mother…

Last weekend she sends me an email with a picture of a baby wearing a sock monkey hat, saying that she bought it on ebay and it will be sent to our house, that it’s for Casey to wear for some baby pictures. I thought it was cute, though he has so many hats he does NOT need another one, and I forwarded the email to Dave. Dave says it looks scary, and therefore he doesn’t want Casey to have to wear it. So, I’m thinking, we’ll only have the one picture done with the hat, and that’ll be her picture. But… they’re going to be here for the newborn photo shoot. So, I’m not sure how we’ll work that out. I’d very much like to prevent them from going with.

Speaking of the photo shoot. She knows I hate having my picture taken. For my birthday, she sent me a gift certificate for a local photographer, to have a maternity photo shoot and a newborn photo shoot, and accompanying that gift she got us a picture frame for a maternity picture, an ultrasound picture, and a newborn picture. Thanks, for my birthday I get to be tortured. The photographer said it’s up to me how I use the gift certificate, but I can’t imagine my mom being pleased if I cancel the maternity and do extra baby pictures. She’s expecting a maternity photo for her picture frame that she bought herself.

Anyway, so then on Monday I called her because I was having some issues. I was in so much pain, and I was telling her I felt as though if I could control my bipolar symptoms I could deal with the pain better.

Let’s face it, I’ve been going crazy. I’ve been having images flash through my mind at my low points, showing slit wrists or crazy shit like that. I do not need this! And my mother has already threatened that if it came down to it I would not go to a mental hospital, I’d go stay with her. Hmm, gee, what would be worse for me? I’d rather go to the hospital, thank you. And, they couldn’t medicate me at the mental hospital either. What point would there be to be there? Anyway, I was concerned about my blood pressure, which if elevated could lead to pre-eclampsia, so I called my doctor and they got me in that day instead of waiting until Wednesday. Everything was perfect, so it was a matter of controlling my stress. My two main stressors lately are my mother and my job, neither of which I can avoid. The doctor found an anxiety med that is safe during pregnancy, so he prescribed that in hopes it will help with my depression and my stress. So far, so good.

So, anyway, while on the phone with mother, she says a couple things to piss me off. One, she starts telling me something by saying “I know you don’t like it when I talk to people about your bipolar…” And I want to say, and still want to say, “If you know I don’t like it, then why do you do it?” But I’ve still been biting my tongue. Another thing, she tells me about this thing she wants to buy for Casey. It’s like a pillow mat from the sound of it, and kids can lay on them from 0 to 6 yrs and they’re apparently addictive or something. I make some noise like “ehh,” indicating “probably not” and so she says she’ll email it to me and if I like it she’ll buy it. Thankfully, she didn’t send me the actual photo of the item and just the link to it. I didn’t even click the link, I clicked reply and said “Umm, not really.” She sends me a reply with just a smiley face, which I know to mean she’s really irritated that I don’t want it, but she won’t get it anyway.

And the last couple days she keeps emailing me links to web sites for me to find babysitters. I don’t need a babysitter while I go to work, I need day care. Either a day care facility or someone’s in home day care. Not a babysitter. Babysitters nowadays want $10 an hour and I probably won’t even make that much before taxes at my job. The first site she sends to me I’d already looked into, and they want you to pay to even perform a search, and it was some ridiculous amount of money, too. I was on the phone with her telling her that, and she was making a noise like she was about to offer to pay the fee for me, so I kept going and going about how I refuse to ever use the site because it’s ridiculous that I should have to pay that amount of money to even perform a search, I should only have to pay a SMALL fee for getting actual contact information. I think after about 5 minutes she got the picture. So the other site she emails me is all 18 to 21 year olds who want $10 an hour and it doesn’t seem to be full time work they’re looking for. None of them were certified for CPR or first aid, none of them had reviews by other members. I wish she’d just stop trying to help, because it’s not helping it’s just irritating me!

So, after she’d sent me the links to those web sites, I posted something to twitter/facebook about where do I begin trying to find day care. And in the thread of comments I put that there was a friend, who I tagged, that I would trust to watch my kid. And the friend, Liz, replied to that saying she could give me some suggestions over lunch sometime. My mom takes this to mean that Liz will be watching Casey while I’m at work. Umm, no, sounds to me like she’s just going to give me suggestions of people who can.

I just want to go off on my mother. Between my bipolar and pregnancy hormones, and the fact that I’m talking to her a lot more often now that I’m expecting, I can see how she’s getting under my skin so bad. But it’s about to my boiling point. I’m not sure how much longer I can bite my tongue. Will it accomplish anything? No. Could I possibly stave off catastrophe during their month long visit by going off on her before-hand? Maybe… maybe if I put her in her place and make it clear I want to make decisions for my own child and not have her decide EVERYTHING (exaggeration!) and not have her buy EVERYTHING (not as much of an exaggeration) before she ever gets here for the month, maybe we can survive the month being so close.

Oh, and I’m about to REALLY go off on her about Dr. Taylor.

Before she started seeing him, she couldn’t even walk anymore. I think it’s all been all in her head to begin with. Sure, now she can walk. But, this “doctor” is taking her for all she’s worth. He’s got her on like $1000 a month worth of supplements she has to take on a specific schedule seemingly every few minutes, he sees her about once a week for an hour and a half, and her insurance doesn’t cover a lick of it, so they’re paying out of pocket. And he’s not really helping her THAT much! She still complains all the time about how much pain she’s in and how stressed out and upset she is. The ONLY thing this doctor has really changed is that she actually can walk again without the use of a cane. She had taken Lipitor years ago and believes it is what caused her leg pain, but none of her other doctors would agree with her, so she found a doctor who would agree. He’s a chiropractor who practices homeopathic medicine. I believe in the power of homeopathic medicine, but I just wholeheartedly believe that this doctor has ill intentions and just wants her money. And watching her spectacle on YouTube makes me think she’s just brainwashed. And if I have to hear much more about this doctor, I’m going to scream. I really think that if Dr. Taylor told her she’d feel better if she jumped off a bridge, she’d jump off the damn bridge.

She complains she’s so stressed about her money, but she won’t stop spending it! She doesn’t just spend money because “ooh, I like shopping.” She actually searches for things to spend money on, for herself or for others, and it’s often ridiculous shit that will end up in a yard sale in a year. She doesn’t bargain shop, they don’t buy generic. She’s seriously, legitimately, addicted to shopping. She said to me and Dave once “I can’t go into a store without buying something.” And then all the money she BLOWS to see a doctor who doesn’t even FIX her! And she has the audacity to complain about money?! And my dad’s not much better, he’s letting her do it! He let her build “their” “dream home” that now they’re trying to sell because they can’t afford it, partly because my dad was forced into early retirement when the company eliminated his entire department. He lets her go shopping, in person and online. So, I can only assume that their financial future is not as bad as it was made out to be, but if she’s still so freaking stressed out about it, why doesn’t my dad do SOMETHING? Make her STOP the madness!

Her own mother gets upset because my mom rarely goes up to Wisconsin to visit her or other family. My mom goes on a dozen other trips each year but goes to see her own mother once every other year I think. And her mom is upset, wants to see her daughter more ya know. And my mom just tells her “Well, we hardly pay anything for the other trips we have to go on because of my travel agent discount, and we have to pay a lot just to go there.” Well, get a cheaper hotel! You don’t have to stay at the Ritz Carlton!

Oh, and the travel agent thing. Apparently, she’s so stressed out about money, and me and other things that she had to quit doing the travel agent work for a while. The travel agent work she only does for about 30 minutes a day from the comfort of her million dollar dream home. C’mon, really? Apparently there was a particular set of clients she deals with each year around this time that are so picky it bothers her too much and she just can’t handle them this year. Ok, so drop them as clients, but you’re going to quit the little bit of work you do and then complain to me about how stressed out you are about your money? I do not even want to hear it. I complain about being stressed about money, too, but my husband still works and I’m searching for another job. My dad won’t go back to work, and now she’s quitting her “dream job” that she rarely puts effort into anyway.

Alright, I am sure I could go on and on, but I think this is about the point where it will start to become repetitious. So, I’ll post.

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