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Monday – September 14, 2020

Casey was dropped off at my apartment early in the morning. He was better, so I went ahead and took him to school. I headed back home for a bit and took care of my free book & paid emails before it was time for some Census work.

I stopped at Kwik Trip for some gas, then went about doing the Census work for a couple hours. They had me driving all over creation. I ended up getting only 2 1/2 hours in, but 85 miles!

Part of my driving took me through Cashton, where Daniel lived with his parents until he moved out of their place. It’s also where Daniel’s best friend, Troy, lives with his parents. I hadn’t talked to Troy in quite some time, so I got on Plenty of Fish to see if I could find his profile. I ended up finding Brad’s instead, with that picture he’d sent me a couple months back. His status on there was “wants a relationship.” It felt like a punch in the gut at first. I sent him a text asking if there was any hope for me to get a relationship out of this. That it was fine for things to stay as they are for now, but that was ultimately what I wanted.

I went back home for a short while, then went and picked Casey up from school. We went back to my apartment for a while, then Dave picked him up so I could get ready for work at Kwik Trip.

I had a conversation with Cyn about the situation with Brad and realized early on in the chat that I’m a hypocrite. I’m always on AFF and I have a somewhat active profile on just about every dating app there is. And AFTER falling in love with Brad, while we’ve been together, I’ve updated my status on POF to “actively seeking a relationship.” How could I be angry or hurt by him having a profile and wanting a relationship? For all I know, he’s taken my mixed signals into consideration and assumes I don’t want a relationship with HIM!

Within the first couple of weeks, I told him I wanted a relationship and he said he was a ticking time bomb when it came to relationships. We took a break for a week, then got back into things. Within a couple weeks after that, he’d said “The best part of every night is making out with you.” And I said nothing. All the while, still getting on AFF all the time. Nevermind that it was to see if he was getting on! But I’d talk to guys as well. Sure, I’d tell them about him, but that’s beside the point here. At some point, I also update my POF profile to read that I’m actively seeking a relationship. Then Brad tells me he loves me, and I say nothing again! For a few months, anyway. And then he hears from someone that I’m sleeping around. I’m not, but still! He throws it in my face that we’re not a couple, and I say that’s because he doesn’t want to be. But regardless, I’d still been getting on AFF and I was still on every single dating app I could find. Still talking to people. Putting myself out there. To Brad, that could very well appear as though I do want a relationship, just not with him. I don’t know if that’s his point of view or not, but it could be!

So, anyway, work. I wasn’t able to tolerate being on my feet throughout the entire shift, but I did pretty well. We got done everything we could get done. The truck had gotten there late, so we didn’t get much done from it. As I was walking out the door, a text came in from Brad. I’d sent another text on break saying I was still waiting to see him. He was still up, so he ended up coming over. And I got drunk off 3 beers instead of opening up and talking to him about my feelings. Then we went to bed.

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