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Mandie

So, I guess I haven’t been taken off her mass Yahoo! list yet. On the 16th I got a message thanking everyone for the cards and calls and that Brody is here, though very early. She wasn’t due until the end of May, I think. I politely responded with a Congrats, and she asked how my baby is, I told her fine. Simple, polite.

Yesterday morning I was feeling quite melancholy. I don’t have a friend around these parts, and sure could use one! I used to have one, in her, but it never worked out. It failed repeatedly, actually. I miss the good times, which were mostly when we were hanging out since most of our arguments stemmed from misinterpreted txts and IMs.

Up until yesterday morning, I had still been obsessively checking her twitter. Which, come to find out, was deleted. Was it that discovery yesterday that made me realize how much I miss her

I was actually in tears on my way to work, thinking about her. How much I would love to get together, catch up, patch up, and make this crazy thing called friendship actually work with us.

Then, yesterday afternoon, I checked my IM and saw her status message was something about just another boring Tuesday. Somehow that reminded me just how childish and vain she is, and made me realize she probably has not yet matured enough for me to handle being friends with her. I mean, c’mon, you have a newborn, and you’re going to post about being BORED?? I’ll be watching my baby sleep and be entertained by it, how can you possibly be BORED??

Of course, people handle motherhood differently I’m sure. Or maybe she was just joking? Maybe it was the only spare time she had so she jokingly updated her status?

I couldn’t help, though, have the “fear” that if we were to patch things up that she’d just revert to her old ways, wanting to see me every freaking day and get bent out of shape if I said I was too busy with my own family.

Of course, I’m still waiting to get my stuff back! That’s another thing with this situation. If I were to just say, “fuck it” and be friends with her again, I’d have to say “fuck it” to my stuff EVER getting back to me. I’m still bothered that she said she mailed it, that she even had a receipt, and yet she was lying when she said it.

Could I ever get over these things to be her friend? Even if I let it go, yet again, about the money… can I let go of other aspects of, well, her? I am so desperate for her to accept me for the way I am and not expect changes that I can’t make. Why can’t I have the same regard for her? That’s such a double standard, I can’t believe I’ve been feeling that way this whole time. She can’t be herself, but she must accept me for myself? WOW.

Now, the big question is… if we were to patch things up, and a disagreement came up… can I just let it go in that moment? Make it no big deal? In the past it’s always been made a big deal by me, always been blown out of proportion. Can I be mature enough to just say “hey, that bothers me, but anyway, what’s for lunch?” I don’t know if it’s possible, given it’s just part of the way my bipolar is… my brain does these things on its own and it’s completely out of my control. Ok, so maybe I can’t control my reaction… can I at least not FEEL the way I have in the past about these things? I mean, I literally let some of these petty things make my blood boil. Or is that out of my control also?

Yeah I don’t know what to DO. I’m clearly thinking a LOT about it. I miss her something fierce, but I don’t know if I can handle being her friend…

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