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Hello from Texas!

Well, we made it here in one piece! But, oh boy, has it been stressful!

Once we knew, without a doubt, that we were moving, we planned a yard sale. I busted my freaking ass for a week straight to get ready for that yard sale, and Dave was adamant all the while that he had nothing he wanted to get rid of. Something about he had no reason to get rid of it if the Texas thing were to fall through. My thinking is, if you’d get rid of it to move, then you don’t need it even if you do end up staying. So, up until the night before the sale started, Dave did NOTHING to prepare. I went to Wisconsin the weekend prior to visit with everyone I could one last time before the move, and I asked Dave during that time to get shit done. Did he get shit done? He got NOTHING done. Not a damn thing. Him and his brother did some yard work that wasn’t even yet necessary. That was IT. So, the night before the yard sale he starts frantically DESTROYING THE HOUSE in search of shit to get rid of. I mean, it looked like Hurricane Katrina Part Two up in there.

The yard sale went well, we got rid of a LOT, and for rock bottom prices. Our prices were so low, we were repeatedly given more than our asking price because the shoppers couldn’t fathom paying that low a price. We were all but giving our possessions away.

During the sale, Dave’s mom came over to entertain Casey while Mandie helped me get things done. He was being cranky and she was seeming more and more loopy with her speech becoming increasingly slurred. So, I took a sip of the “diet coke” she’d been drinking. Yeah, there was quite a big of rum or something in it. Nice. Drinking could very well have been what got her into the hospital not 2 months ago, and she couldn’t wait to start drinking again once she got out. One time, she’d asked if I could drive her to her therapy, and on the way home had asked me to stop at the Hy-Vee Gas station. I didn’t think she could possibly want to drink, that she just want a soda or snack or cigarettes. Nope, she bought beer. I sent a text to Dave to let him know, then said “fuck it” and sent one to her husband to let him know. And when we found out that she’d been drinking WHILE WATCHING MY SON, I told her husband. And when they came over to grill out with us not long before Dave headed down here, and we found out she’d stolen one of my Straw-beer-rita’s, I sent a text to her husband telling him. He’s about the only one, at this point, who stands a chance at making a difference in her decision to drink, even if it’s kicking her to the curb to force her to hit the rock bottom that’s never come.

Anywho, back to the moving stuff…

From there, the plan was to get the house “picture ready.” The weekend after the sale, Dave had a 3 or 4 day drill, can’t remember which. I busted ass the whole time he was gone to totally blow his mind with it when he got back. So, what happened when he got back? He went off on me for messing with his stuff. I left all his stuff in a way he could EASILY go through it one last time to make sure he was keeping it all. Do I get appreciation for all the hard work? No, I get my ass, that I busted, handed back to me. Thanks a lot.

Somewhere around there, he also went off on me (in front of Casey, again) for absolutely no good reason. All I did was ask if he minded if I took a shower because I’d been working hard and getting sweaty. And he went off on me. WTF? Oh, and he was freaking out about leaving me to do all the cleaning after the movers were done, apparently I don’t do a good enough job for him. Bastard.

So, the Saturday after his drill weekend he started the 3 day trip down to Texas. Once he was gone, it was time to make sure I had everything ready to be all packed up. I’d begged my parents to come down from Door County early so Casey and I wouldn’t have to share my air mattress for several nights. At first my mom said they couldn’t because they’d already paid for concerts and other stuff. A few minutes after that call, she called me back crying saying she wouldn’t let her baby and grandbaby sleep on an air mattress for that time. So, at least we’d have comfy sleeping arrangements.

Once the movers came to pack up our stuff, my parents took over Casey-sitting duty. I ended up feeling it was in his best interest to not watch all his stuff get packed up. The first day they packed everything, then they came the next day and spent a few hours loading it all into freight crates on a moving truck. It so happened that they emptied everything onto the driveway to do all this, so as soon as it was clear, I started working on getting everything cleaned up. Going into the moving process, I didn’t think there would be any way to get everything done on my own. Once my parents agreed to come down, part of the plan was for them to help me clean. But, since I started cleaning while the house was still in chaos, I told my parents to just take Casey back to the RV and I would get done what I could. I ended up getting every last thing done, and all by myself! I was so proud of my hard work!

I did want Casey to see the house empty with me one last time before we left town, and my parents agreed that he should handle that ok. So, he did. 🙂 He didn’t seem too bothered by the house being empty. He kinda walked from room to room looking for stuff, but didn’t get upset.

We had one whole day to rest and relax, with nothing to do related the move, before making our way down here. Once we hit the road it actually went a lot smoother than I expected. Casey was totally okay with staying in the hotels… especially since they all had pools. He was bothered at some points during the drive, but not as bad as I expected. We took our 3 days of driving to get here per the military instructions, and stayed one night with Dave at the extended stay place (with kitchenette and free laundry machine use) before moving to ye olde Red Roof Inn. I needed to get mine and Casey’s clothes washed before we switched hotels anyway.

The first night of our journey, I saw that my phone kept lighting up when I was laying in bed with Casey trying to get him to sleep. I snuck out of bed to see what was going on, and saw Dave had been trying to call me. Just as I started dialing him back, my hotel phone started ringing to let me know my husband had been trying to reach me. He deemed it necessary at 10:30 at night to call me about a problem with the apartment we were going to rent. Now, it was a messed up situation, yes, but it could have waited until first thing in the morning. Anyway, all’s said and done now anyway, so the reason he was calling me was to let me know the apartment was horribly infested with all kinds of bugs. GROSS! He wanted to make sure I agreed with him that we needed to get out of the lease. I guess he ended up going into the office and ripping them all new ass holes the next day, cuz we got out of our lease, no problem.

Then Dave starts looking for an apartment, while Casey and I were still traveling at that point. He found this complex called Northgate Oaks that was only 4 years old, but they only had 2 bedroom units available. I kept thinking there was NO WAY we could POSSIBLY fit all our stuff into a 2 bedroom. We’re coming from a 4 bedroom house with 2 living rooms, a huge kitchen, and a storage room under the kitchen the size of the kitchen, down to a 2 bedroom apartment? I didn’t see it working. I was freaking out about the possibility, but our search had proven that it was going to be VERY hard to find a 3 bedroom (without bugs). So, I agreed to take a look at Northgate Oaks, and Dave called when we were about 10 minutes away to let them know we were coming. Turns out there was someone else who’d viewed the apartment that wanted to go apply, so the leasing agent said it was down to whoever got there first. Well, we got there first, we viewed the apartment, and I fell in love. It’s like a resort here, everything is so beautiful. So, we applied, we put down the deposit, which was MUCH less than expected, and moved in this past Friday. Well, we haven’t really moved in yet, since all our belongings are still in DAVENPORT IOWA as of then… but, hopefully they are well on our way and our stuff will be dumped in our new apartment one day later this week.

Yesterday, Dave had asked me where the silverware was that he’d brought with him. I’d told him that it was all getting thrown away… so I reminded him. He went off on me, basically saying our marriage wasn’t going to work out BECAUSE OF THAT STUPID FUCKING SILVERWARE THAT NEEDED TO BE REPLACED ANYWAY!!! For once, I went back to biting my tongue… and found out (or was reminded?) what happens when I do that. Turn on the waterworks! Once he saw tears he apologized immediately. I went to the mall and bought new clothes because I didn’t want to be near him, even after his apology. Today, when he got home from work, I went to Walmart and bought replacement silverware for that one set that he just didn’t want to part with. It’s not identical but it was only $3 for a set of 4 each spoons, forks, and knives. So he can kiss my fat ass.

Phew.

I hadn’t heard a damn thing from Nik in over a month… until last night. I got a random twitter invite from him. I was confused. I had sent him a message on FB the previous week, at a time when he’d have been at work anyway, saying I wondered if he’d uninstalled the app. It never got marked as read, so when I got the twitter request, I checked the FB message to see if he’d read it. I was trying to hit the back button on my phone, but hit the stupid thumbs up button instead, since the proximity of the two is apparently WAY TOO CLOSE. The message was read right away. So I sent another saying Oops. Read almost right away as well. So I sent another, apologizing for sending the message, and somesuch. Next thing I know, I’m blocked from his FB.

At first, my heart felt like it was breaking all over again. Then, common sense began to slowly return, and I checked to see if he was still following me on Twitter, and if he was still on my other FB account. All was fine in those other departments, so I realized it must have been his wife who was reading my messages. Shit. He confirmed that today, told me I need to stop all contact for a while. I agreed, and told him to sign into Kik when he thought he could talk again. Then I went to Kik and typed up a LENGHTY message. Hell, I’ll just paste it here:

Ur not logged in here, and ur at work anyway, so i fig what the hell… i need to get some things off my chest. This keeps happening, u getting caught… tho this time it was cuz of my stupid thumb accidetally hitting thumbs up instead of back. And im truly very sorry. I wonder what u tell her when she catches u. I honestly dont feel like u will initiate contact with me, i dont know why other than the length of time that passes b4 i hear from u and that its always when ur drunk and as a reply. If u do talk to me again, im thinking itd only b a matter of time b4 u get caught again. I hate to say it, but im kinda surprised ur still together after all this, but that just goes back to wondering what u tell her when u get caught. I hope u do love her, cuz it sucks being trapped in a loveless marriage and i wouldnt wish that on u or ne1 else. At the same time i wish more than anything that i could b with u. I keep thinking my feelings for u must b stronger than urs for me, cuz it hurts like hell when we cant talk. U make me so happy and dave just hurts me. Idk that u feel the same way tho. I gave my ❤ to u 19 yrs ago and never got it back… and i know itll always be urs. Idk if its just my insecurity, but i just dont think the feeling was, is, or ever will b mutual. And that hurts like hell too. Not like i can expect any reassurance either… cuz like i said, i dont think u will initiate contact with me… i think thats abt it 4 now.. and i hope to God i do hear from u again.

A little while later, I also tweeted that I have a livejournal. He seems interested in being involved in my life to whatever extent he is capable, so I may as well.

What I can’t work through in my head is… WHY ARE HE AND I BOTH STILL MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE??? Oh, right, I’m trapped in a loveless marriage (because I have no job and no money and no desire to put Casey in day care) to a bastard who abuses me verbally, mentally, and emotionally, and he’s trapped because apparently it’s cheaper to keep her, his words. I suspect he wouldn’t be able to afford the spousal and child support that would come along with a divorce.

But, that leads to the bigger question at this point, does he even care about me? I go back and forth, in my mind, in answer to that. On the one hand, he seems interested in what’s going on in my life, though he’s not able to speak to me at the moment because he got caught, YET AGAIN. But, idk… he was such a player in his teen years, and I know a LOT of time has passed since then and people change as they mature, but I am just so freaking scared that everything that’s been going on since March 4 has been a big play on me. Like, “once a player always a player.” I know that it kills me to not be able to talk to him, and I can easily find time to on my end, even if I have to sneak away for one thing or another (like the bathroom) and pull out my phone while I’m away. He doesn’t even do that. Is that just one of those differences between guys and girls? Idk, Dave sometimes takes his phone to the bathroom with him so I don’t think that’s it.

I’m surprised she’s still with him if she keeps catching him cheating. Which is why I asked him in the above-pasted Kik message what he says to her. And I also wonder, if he’s telling her I mean nothing to him and he’s just messing with me, or something to that effect, who’s he being honest with? Her or me?

He can’t even bring himself to tell me he loves me. He beats around the bush and refuses to say it. Is that just because it’s not in person? Idk. I am SO overly sensitive and insecure. I am doing a fantastic job at convincing myself that everything he’s told me is a lie, and intended specifically to hurt me.

And I’m typing all this out knowing that he could very well, at some point in the near or distant future, create an account here and add me to keep up with me. I don’t even care anymore. I am more than happy to bare my soul to him, and express to him all my thoughts on all topics, even the ones about him, even if they’re not pretty.

So, that’s about as good as I think I can do right now with catching everybody up to speed. It’s been a crazy 6 or so weeks!

#dave #mil #nik #marriage #stress #love #family

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