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Friday

I got up and got some coffee while the computer booted, then got dressed in SL while also getting dressed in RL and getting Casey up, dressed, and fed. I dropped him off at the usual time, then headed back home.

I took care of my free book & paid emails. While I was doing so, I got a call from the eye doctor’s office letting me know my glasses were in. So, once my emails were done, I headed there to pick them up.

After I got my glasses, I headed back home and played around on SL a bit with Cyn. We ended up going to the Blueberry 50% off sale together. It’s one of the best clothing stores in SL. I got way too much stuff and got to thinking that maybe I should put a couple years on the rental property, just so that I don’t run out of time on it and have spent all my money. I contacted the rental office and made a large payment to cover an additional 2 years’ rent at a discount of 20% off the regular rent amount. Colin sent me 4 months worth to help so that I would still have a bit of spending money left over after the payment.

I watched the X-Men Wolverine movies again throughout the day, getting increasingly eager to see the movie Brad has been telling me about, Logan.

I picked Casey up from school at the usual time, then headed back home and resumed my simultaneous watching of X-Men and chatting on SL.

Around 6, Cyn and I went to an event in-world at this furry store she likes. We ended up hanging around there for 4 hours. I was watching movies during most of that time.

In talking with another friend on SL, I got to thinking that maybe this whole situation with Brad is less than ideal. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and I’m not going to abandon him. But, I think he and I probably need to sit down and talk about things. Like the fact that I never hear from him when he’s not drinking. And where things stand now.

I mean, I get it. I understand completely. He lives in his own personal hell. I can’t go into detail here about what he’s been through, but he’s told me in vivid detail about his past and I can’t even imagine what goes on in his mind when he’s sober. The alcohol numbs the pain, and without that pain being numbed he’s in constant hell and not wanting to be around others. I do understand that. But, it’s not healthy. And I would love to be around him sometime when he’s sober. I’d love to be there for him when he’s going through that hell. A shoulder to cry on, so to speak.

Here I’ve been thinking about how much I want to tell him I love him. I told him via text that I’ve fallen for him, and it was after that we resumed seeing each other. But I haven’t told him, out loud, that I love him. And I want to. It doesn’t matter to me if he doesn’t feel the same way at this point in time, or if he does feel the same way but isn’t ready to admit it. I still want to tell him, out loud, intimately, how I feel.

But do I really want to tell him when he’s been drinking?

When we first started seeing each other, I wasn’t aware of his drinking problem. It was after the 2nd or 3rd time that he said he had a problem and was working on it. I’d already fallen for him by that point. Then he started making the actual effort to cut back, and I started hearing from him less often. I’ve been quite patient and understanding up to this point, but at what cost?

I love him and I want to be there for him. But I need him to let me in, at least a little more than he has at this point. I know that he’s filled with anger as well as depression about what has happened in the past, and I know that I can’t fix it for him. But I want to be there for him while he works on it for himself, both as a friend and as a lover. Because we are already both friends and lovers at this point anyway. I simply want to be that when he’s sober as well as when he’s numbing the pain. Is that too much to ask after a few months together?

Anyway. I finished out the night with having only one movie left to watch — Logan. It was near midnight so I went ahead and got ready for bed.

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