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Dream…

I had a dream about Ben last night that I really shouldn’t have had… and now I can’t stop thinking about him…

There are a lot of things that make this situation complex.

First of all, I’ve been somewhat physically attracted to him since we first met. I’m a Taurus, he’s a Scorpio, we’d have the sexual chemistry going for us, if a hint of it isn’t already there. We’re both into Psychology (he has a Master’s in it) so we’d have a lot of great intellectual conversations (which Dave and I can’t seem to have). We seem to get along rather well, and we’ve definitely flirted with each other, even in the somewhat presence of the mother of his child…

In the dream, he and I kept trying to be intimate… but, the mother of his child kept throwing hissy fits… and at first, he was too concerned about her to really do anything with me… but then, towards the end of the dream, he made his choice, to get physical with me… and his emotions seemed to be in it completely as well.

And then there’s Nik and Tony… still having emotional issues regarding them… still can’t really stop thinking about either of them…

Nik was my first love, something I realize I will never forget, but also something I should be able to move past. I had sent him a message on MySpace in hopes of getting closer from it, but all it did was leave me with more to consider.

Tony was the reason for me doing a lot of things that have since changed my life. I started drinking and smoking in a successful attempt at getting him in bed. He and I have admitted, to each other, that we intentionally refused to let our emotions in the picture because we both knew the potential. And he has actually told me he does love me.

Why must I continue to wonder what might have been?

What I would really like is to have a love for Dave that is so strong, so powerful, that thoughts of other men never enter my mind. Is this something that could ever be attained? Or is he really not the one?

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