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Advance apologies, a lot of this will be recaps.

On August 4th, Nik said he got caught again by his wife. That was the day I was checking my FB messenger on my phone to see if he’d read a message, and accidentally touched “thumbs up” instead of my back button, and then sent a few messages explaining and apologizing. After that I ended up blocked. That was on my new FB account, and only hours after he’d requested to follow me on Twitter. He didn’t unfollow me on Twitter, and remained a “friend” on my old FB, so I sent him a Twitter Direct Message, and that was where he told me he’d been caught again and asked me to stop all contact for a while because he’d “gotten into some bad shit.”

It’s in my nature to doubt anyone who expresses any positive sentiments toward me. No matter how much I am shown or told that I am liked or loved by someone, I doubt it. And, because of that, I consciously or subconsciously end up sabotaging those relationships. It’s like, I am convinced all will end badly, so I may as well do what I can to end it myself. And, I make sure I do it thoroughly. I don’t want to be slighted again by the same person, so I do and say the most heinous things to make sure they will never want to speak to me again. Of course, this doesn’t always work, because once I make a friend it’s for life, and my closest friends feel the same way. So, with some people, eventually there will be apologies and reconciliation.

My heart was broken 15 years ago by Nik. I loved him SO much. I loved him before I met him in person 19 years ago. My first real relationship, my first kiss, my first love, the first guy to turn me on, which embarrassed me because I didn’t know what the heck was going on. All I’ve ever wanted was to be with him, and I’ve always known I’d be willing to do just about anything to make it happen, if I knew there was a chance. I’ve always felt that he was “the one” for me. Always has been, always will be. My heart and soul ache without him. Fifteen years ago, what ended our relationship was that one fateful summer night. He wanted me to go down on him, I refused. I refused because I loved him so much, but knew what kind of guy he was, and was scared to get hurt. He felt rejected. So, he stopped speaking to me, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I always regretted taking our relationship farther. Looking back, I would have rather had my heart broken after giving him all of myself, than to have gotten nothing pleasurable out of the breakup. That seems pretty pathetic, I know.

Then in March, I wished him a happy birthday, and suddenly all this happens. I went to Georgia just so I would be able to see him, and have sex with him, and it was the 2nd happiest day of my life, 2nd only to the day my son was born.

When we first started talking in March, throughout the entire time we were talking, I always had a nagging suspicion I was just being played. I told myself I didn’t care, because I loved him, and talking to him made me happy. I would deal with the heartache later, and just enjoy having whatever I could with him.

And then last night happened.

Back in August he never said not to post on my old FB. Not that he can control that, anyway. So I’ve been posting statuses, pouring my heart out. He could have easily hidden my posts from his news feed and would have never seen any of them. Some of them were so pathetic, I feared he would see them. Others I hoped he would see. I’d occasionally go through and delete some, but still keep posting. I’d post comments to the ones I wanted him to see, so that if he hadn’t hidden me from his news feed they’d get bumped up.

Then, he unfriended that account. He didn’t block it, but still.

To me, that says it all. That my nagging suspicion was right, and he was just playing me all along.

Yet, he didn’t block me, and he hasn’t unfollowed me on Twitter. If there’s an ounce of “benefit of the doubt” to be had here, it is quite possible that his wife was on his FB again, saw my posts, knew they were about him, unfriended my account without bothering to block it. In which case, I’m sure he “got into some bad shit” again.

So, either he’s been playing me all along, or his wife was on his FB again.

If he was playing me, I deserve to be told that. I deserve honesty. He would always tell me our feelings were mutual, without telling me that he actually loved me. He hasn’t told me he loved me in over 15 years now. Just that he “feels the same” as I do. He says he’s not the kind of guy anymore to share his feelings. That is quite possibly true. Maybe that is the case. Maybe something happened to cause him to guard his heart. Shit, maybe it was my rejection that summer night. Who knows? Or, maybe he was just bullshitting me to play me. My nature, which runs in my family (my sister is the same way), says he was just playing me and that I’m a pathetic fool.

The other possibility, that it was his wife on his FB again last night. Well, first of all, if he is really getting caught that much, it’s his own damn fault for not being more careful. Does he want to get caught? And what is he telling his wife to keep her around? Isn’t it about damn time he was honest with her, instead of just telling her whatever lies he’d have to be telling to keep her around? I think that she deserves the honesty as much as I know I do.

So, something has to give at this point. I sent him a long message on FB last night after the unfriending occurred, and he read it this morning. I need to know, deserve to know the truth, whatever that may be. I’m in the state of mind that I’ve been played like a fool, and that it’s over. And it hurts like hell.

Unfortunately, another family trait on my mom’s side is the depression and suicidal thoughts that flare up whenever shit like this happens.

I’m going through enough in my life right now. I just met my biological family a few months ago and feel closer to them than my adoptive family, which draws up a lot of emotions for me. I am trapped in a loveless and abusive marriage. We just moved across the country. There’s just too much going on. And I’m not sure how much more I can handle.

I push away those dark thoughts for my son. Because, when all is said and done, ultimately I need to protect him from any possible abuse. So I keep myself alive, for him. But it’s a daily struggle. Every negative thing Dave says or does, hurts… and a lot of times the dark thoughts creep up on me. I don’t like it, I want it to stop. I fight it. It’s hard, though.

So, already going through all that, this was the last thing I needed. But now, I just need the truth. I hope he’s man enough to tell it.

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