Besties…

Scrolling through my Facebook feed. I have a lot of “friends,” but they’re all people I went to school with or worked with. Some of them I’m closer to than others, but only two people on there I have ever considered “best friends.” There have been 3 people in my life I’ve thought of as “best friends.”

Michelle was my first, that childhood playmate you just never quite lose touch with. Not quite the same sort of friendship, but can’t quite drop the title. Once we moved down south, the friendship became what it remains today. We get together, we share a few memories, try to build a new one, and that’s about it. The bond isn’t quite the same as it was when we were kids. But, hey, at least it’s something.

Down in Georgia, I soon met Celia. I thought she was my best friend, right up there with Michelle, until one day in our Junior year of High School when she passes me a note that says she never liked me to begin with and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Years later, we spoke again, and she said she was just going through a rough time in her life and did a lot of stupid things, not just to me. But then she ended up pulling the same stunt again.

Then there was Patrick. I met him shortly after graduating High School. We shared a lot in common, with our love for Poetry and Technology, and he helped me through a LOT of rough times when Dave was overseas. We’re still friends, often refer to each other as brother-and-sister, but it, too, became distanced after Dave and I moved away from Georgia. For a while, we kept up with daily phone calls, but things came up in our lives and we stopped talking on the phone at all.

Now, in my heart, these 3 remain my best friends. I’m the type of person that, no matter what happens, at least a part of me will always hold on to you and what we have or had together.

I’ll even extend the 3 on to a possible 4th. Mandie. But, our friendship is unlike any I’ve ever had, with more downs than ups in the first few years, including a few “break-ups.” We didn’t have a stable friendship, though we did have a lot of awesome times together. We’re on the “up” side now, but also can’t see each other in person very often due to distance. I can’t help but wonder if that’s why things remain positive?

But, let’s be real, here. In my present, I have no best friend. I have no one I talk to on a daily basis, or even on a weekly basis. I have no one I hang out with in person, share the good and the bad with. I have someone I met on Second Life, but I’m talking Real Life here. Not that what happens in Second Life doesn’t affect Real Life, but it’s not the same when they live in another country and you’ll never hang out together in person.

So, back to the Facebook scrolling. I’m scrolling through my feed, and I see tons of my “friends” are posting photos and memories of them with their “besties.” One of them has been friends with her best friend for 35 years! And she’s not much older than me!

I try to be realistic, saying, “Well, you have moved around a lot…”

But then the pessimist in me responds with, “What if how Celia felt is how others have felt?”

These days, I live a very solitary existence, except for my online life. I sit in my room, by myself or with my son, on my computer, chatting up friends online. I feel too shy to go out there to try and meet people in “Real Life.” What if I only get let down, anyway? What if they aren’t quite as into literature and technology as me? What if we don’t click and I put in all that effort for nothing? What if we have an awesome time for years, but then suddenly they tell me they never liked me to begin with? All these what-ifs are dragging me down.

In the end, it all boils down to. this: I have tons of friends, but no bestie. I want a fucking bestie, man.

#friendship