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Update…

So, this morning I woke up in a lot of pain, and with this ringing in my head that I have had more and more frequently, usually in stressful situations. I stayed home from work, rested all day and watched the first two Twilight movies. I looked information up on the ringing and saw it can be caused by a lot of things present in my life. The excess fluid caused by pregnancy could cause it, stress could cause it, my job itself could even cause it. And leaving it untreated could lead to permanent hearing loss. It’s quite possible that once I’ve had the baby and go back on my bipolar meds I’d be fine. I think, however, that it’s time to say goodbye to call center work. I need to get something else lined up for when I’m ready to return to work after maternity leave, something that will offer benefits immediately.

I had the assessment today at United Healthcare today. I found out the class for this job will start on August 16th, and it pays $13.94 an hour. I’ve already been trying for 2 years to get a job there, and now I really need to! The assessment had one part that was just completely ridiculous. There were charts and things to compare that related to the charts, but in order to get the answers I would need a calculator and scratch paper. I had neither. At the beginning of the assessment, it even said to use both. They provided neither! The questions were impossible to answer without scratch paper. I used the calculator on the computer, but it just wasn’t enough.

I felt dumb being there, though. Here, the job starts in a month, and I show up for the assessment with 6 weeks to go before I give birth. I did ask if there would be another start date, and none right now. I realize that legally they can’t turn me away due to the pregnancy, but what kind of sense would it make for me to miss 6 weeks of training? And they said the position requires 100% attendance, but does the law protect my attendance there?

After the assessment, I called my mom to discuss my concerns. And she was just going on about how I don’t need to worry about my future, to take things one day at a time and put it in God’s hands, that I need to not think about my future, etc. I’m Christian, yes, and all for handing it over to God, but God isn’t going to hand my life to me on a silver platter. If I make no effort, if I give no thought to my future, He will not help me out. He won’t do it all for me, I have to do some work. I have to try and find a job outside of Apac. What kind of parent would I be to just lie back and give no thought whatsoever to what I’m going to do after I have the baby? And I hate hypocrites, and boy is she ever one! She’s going to sit there and tell me not to worry, but yet that’s all she does!

I had talked to my mom a while back about the delivery room situation. Basically, I’m glad she’ll be in town so I have the option of her being in the room, but that I’m not going to know until the last minute if I really want her there, and I may change my mind in the middle of things, and I may not be in a position to say “get out of here” in a nice way. I made an “event” on Facebook for my due date, just for fun. In one of the comments a friend of mine made a joke about being there, and I made a joke about my kicking my mom out, and then my mom said something about definitely going to be there to give the baby kisses as soon as he comes out. And suddenly I wish she wouldn’t even be in town.

Why do I even bother calling her? I think that every conversation I have with her leaves me pissed off and annoyed. Aside from my job she probably stresses me out more than anything else right now. I had to block her on Facebook Chat just so she wouldn’t be able to incessantly message me anymore. She will call me and not leave messages, but then keep trying to call me, and get upset if I don’t answer. And despite how much she stresses me out, I regularly pick up the phone and call her. Why do I bother? It won’t be much longer and I’ll be snapping at her and telling her she’s not welcome here next month. She’ll be here for a whole month! I don’t know if I’ll be able to stand it!

Then there was a fiasco over dinner. Minor, but still drove me over the edge. Dave does cook a lot, but a lot of times when I ask him to make dinner he blows it off and procrastinates on starting to cook, causing us to not sit down until 7pm, and I can’t start eating a meal that late because it will make me sick. He was irritable because he worked out in the heat all day, which I understand. I was already past my breaking point from my pain and stress. Not a good combination. He said he would make hot dogs, but the buns were in the freezer and the way we thaw them so they are still actually good would take 2 hours, and we wouldn’t be eating until 7. He said he’d thaw them for half an hour then put them on the grill, but I’m not in the mood for experimenting on thawing out bread and I want dinner to taste decent. Then he said he’d make spaghetti, but we have no garlic bread. We have bread, we have butter, and we have garlic, so we could easily make the garlic bread. I didn’t really turn down the spaghetti, but then he started running hot water to thaw the meat in. That will take a couple hours just to thaw the meat! We almost always use the ground beef that comes in tubes, and it has metal on the ends, so it can’t be put in the microwave. And I don’t like meat that’s partially thawed one way and partially another, which is what he was planning on doing. We have 9lbs of ground beef that’s in the freezer from a meat bundle we got last weekend, all packaged in plastic, so it’d be easy to take one and thaw it in the microwave, and I had already mentioned that he can’t put metal in the microwave, so why’d he even take out that ground beef anyway? He said he was going to do that because he’s exhausted and just wanted to sit down. I know the feeling! But that never matters when I’m in charge of dinner, which is most nights. So, that’s what I said to him.

So then I started crying, because I was already stressed past the max anyway. He came in after a while to ask me something, and I was still crying, so he just repeatedly asks me the same question. I hate it when he does that! If I don’t answer him the first or second time, and he knows I can clearly hear him, then he needs to realize I will not answer, and stop upsetting me more by repeatedly asking me as though I’ll give in and answer. I’m a Taurus, I’m too stubborn to give in. He knows how much I hate it, and he does it anyway. If I felt the question required my response, I would have answered him. I was bothered that he came in there, saw me crying, and made no effort to console me. That’s why I didn’t answer him.

So, after that I took a bath, then ate dinner, and now am watching Hell’s Kitchen. And that’s my day.

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