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So, let me tell you about Nik…

When I was 14, getting ready for Freshman year, my mom made me start talking to her best friend’s son, Adam, since he was going to the same high school as me and she wanted to make sure we knew each other. Adam introduced me to his best friend, Nik. Nik and I talked for a couple weeks on the phone, talked about everything, and developed a crush for each other. We arranged to meet at the mall, and I took a friend with me. I remember, when I first saw him, I KNEW it was him, but I kept saying to my friend, “Please don’t let that be him.” He was rather pudgy with an awkward hair cut. Well, of course it was him. And, pretty much right away, the looks just didn’t matter. we started dating, but my mom kept telling me I wasn’t allowed to talk to him. So, I kept breaking up with him, then we’d get back together within days. On and off for months. One time that we were “off again,” he started dating a friend of mine. Her and I went to the mall, and she had arranged to meet up with him. The three of us went to a hill at the back of the mall, just a fence separating us from the airport. They kissed, right in front of me. Then, she did the strangest thing… she told him to kiss ME. I had never kissed ANYONE before! Well, we kissed, my first kiss. They broke up and he and I got back together. She later told me she arranged it that way, because she knew how we felt about each other. I took him to my homecoming bonfire. Ok, I took Adam and Nik met us there. We’d sway to the music with him standing behind me, his hands in my front pockets. And it was the first time in my life I’d ever been horny, and I didn’t even know what it was I was feeling!

That December, we broke up again, and he started dating another one of my friends. So, the same friend I’d stolen him back from, introduced me to a guy she knew, Kevin. He’s the guy who later date raped me. Anywho, after the thing with Kevin was done, Nik and I would continue our on again, off again, through the end of high school. More off than on. After graduation, I snuck out of my parents’ house to meet Nik at the park in the neighborhood. We made out and he wanted me to give him a blowjob, but I wouldn’t. I never heard from him again. I had even sent him an email inviting him to stay at my parents’ house, since I would be home alone. But no response.

That was 15 years ago.

A few years ago, I sent him a friend request on Facebook, and he accepted, but we never talked. I’d send him a drunk message from time to time, and he’d sometimes respond, but otherwise we’d never talk.

His birthday was March 4, so I sent him a private message wishing him a happy one. We started talking. At first it was all “normal” conversation, especially since he and I are both married with children. Then it got heated.

Side note: I’ve been asking Dave for an open relationship since before we got married. Looking back on old diary entries, I realize that, even before the last time I had seen Nik, I had wanted as much. A serious, committed relationship, but open.

So, I was already planning to go back down to Georgia to see my family, and Nik expressed high interest in seeing me againa nd finishing what we started 15 years ago. So, I asked Dave again for the open marriage, and he ended up, AT LAST, agreeing to it!

I went down to Georgia, and on March 26th, my parents happen to go out of town for the day, Nik came over on his lunch break. And he is fucking perfect. Everything about him. He always has been, in my eyes, and always will be. Up until this point, I had told him a part of me would always love him, but he had told me that he couldn’t remember if he meant it when he’d told me he’d loved me all those years ago. And I didn’t care. I wanted him. So, we started kissing, and he kisses perfect. And we had sex, but he didn’t last very long. Lol I’m just that awesome! But I didn’t care that it wasn’t the best sex, it was sex with HIM. I would do anything to be with him again, except leave Dave.

I do love Dave, and always will, but I’ve always known that, if there were ever a chance with Nik again, I would take what I could get.

And, turns out, the time spent with me 7 weeks ago today apparently did more to him than I expected… He either fell in love with me, or it rekindled that love from all those years ago. So, things were going great for aabout a month after that… except that I have a tendency to get drunk and send mushy messages to him.

Well, a couple weeks ago, for some unknown reason, he stopped talking to me again. He didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. I’ve tried to talk to him, because I’m going through so much right now that I could really use an extra FRIEND. But nothing, no response. He’ll read my messages but not respond. And it devastates me. It’s tearing me up inside, and in addition to everything else going right now, yeah I’m in a depression again. Not just because of him, mind you, but just because of the collective. He hasn’t deleted me from Facebook, doesn’t seem to have blocked me from Kik, but won’t talk to me. I feel like, if he’d just freakin talk to me, I’d be ok… having that extra friend… I even just sent him another message on Kik… he’s read it, but no response.

I know I should just let him go again… but I don’t want to. I just can’t bring myself to.

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