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I always know how to know who my true friends are… they’re the ones who put up with me, and are still friends.

Oh, where to begin? Perhaps, the beginning…

I don’t remember much of what happened when I was young… I do remember a couple things.

I remember something happened to my favorite toy when we were still living in Wisconsin. And I believed my parents threw it away because I did something bad. Which may be the case, I don’t know, but I do remember resenting my mom for years over it. Over a freaking stuffed animal. I remember one time at a grocery store I wanted to buy a certain kind of toothpaste and my parents refused. I threw a tantrum in the grocery store over it. Over freakin toothpaste. I remember any time my parents wanted to discipline me for doing something wrong I threw a tantrum, I would kick and scream, tell them I hated them. I used to think my parents hit me with a leather belt. Well, I still can’t be for sure but they told me they never did and I have to trust them, they’re my parents. My mom said she made the snapping noise with the belt once or twice to scare me, but that was it. I know my parents had such a hard time trying to deal with me and my tantrums, my bipolar episodes, that it almost tore them apart. They had tried to take me to a child psychologist, and that his suggestions didn’t work. One of them was timeouts, and I had to be quiet for a period of time before I could come out. I don’t remember that ever working out too well. I would slam drawers and cabinets while screaming. I remeber all I wanted was to be held, and the psychologist had told them not to. And I remember I could never quite bring myself to tell them that was all I ever wanted.

Back when me and hubby were still dating, when we had one of our first arguments, and I was screaming and crying, he said he was leaving (like, breaking up) and I hit my head really hard against the wall, leaving a dent in the wall. And for YEARS any time we disagreed it would result in another episode, and I wouldn’t stop crying until he held me. And sometimes he’d have to wait for me to stop trying to push him away before I’d let him.

Not long after hubby came back from his first deployment, I remember being at the emergency room, waiting on someone to take me to the hospital for the first of what would be 5 trips in a year and a half. My first trip I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and that’s when a LOT of my past really started to make sense. The next 4 trips the doctors would mess around with my meds, trying to fix me. Finally I got on a combination that at least kept me out of the hospital.

I tried going to a psychologist again, but it never got anywhere. The psychological part all boils down to one simple problem: I have no clue how to deal with stress, or stressors.

When we moved to North Carolina I started to see a new doctor who, IMHO, saved my life. She convinced me to try a new combination of medication, and I’ve been on it ever since. My “episodes” are few and far between, I am stable as can be expected for someone with my condition. Keep in mind, too, that this condition has since become WAY too over diagnosed. I have the REAL bipolar disorder, not the “I went to the dr with mood swings and came out bipolar” kind.

Sometimes I struggle to make, or maintain friendships. God only knows how the people closest to me right now have made it this far. And God love them for being here after all I know I’ve put them through.

Under stress, the most stupid and hateful shit comes out of my mouth. And when I say “under stress” I mean the times when someone says or does something that upsets me. And it doesn’t matter whether they meant it negatively or not. If I take it the wrong way, that’s all it takes for the shit to hit the fan. That’s all that matters in my chemically unbalanced head. I try and often fail to explain myself, as in why it upset me to begin with. And usually in the process of me trying to explain myself more stupid shit comes out of my mouth, uncontrollably.

When I say uncontrollably, I mean it. If I could control it, I wouldn’t have said half the shit I’ve said to my parents and hubby over the years. That’s why I say only God knows why they’re still in my life, and God love them for still being here and loving me despite it all. I really cannot control the shit that comes out of my mouth when I’m upset. It may be hard to believe me when I say that, but it’s the God’s honest truth. Ask my mom how many times I’ve told her I hated her. Ask my hubby how many times I’ve said the same thing to him. Do I mean it? Hell no! Do I WANT to say it! Absolutely, positively not! Why do I say it, then? Beats the shit out of me!

There is someone I’ve been struggling to build a friendship with for close to a year now. And it’s been a HUGE struggle. *Grabs tissue, this may bring tears.* And yes, everyone in my life really is telling me NOT to be friends with her, that it’s not good for me. Well, the problem with that is that these people, hubby and mom included, only know PART of what’s going on. They know what I’m able to tell them, which is only my side of the story. The things that happen that do upset me. And c’mon, realistically, that’s not uncommon at all! When a CLOSE friendship is building, there are bound to be things people disagree on. It’s natural, it’s human.

The problem is that I haven’t really let her FULLY into my life. I wanted to, I really did. I still do want to. I need more CLOSE friends in my life

I guess with me, in regards to any sort of relationships, there are two big problems. First, I take too much the wrong way. And second, which actually ties into the first, I don’t know how to express my feelings. I don’t know how to really let my feelings out. I don’t know how to explain that something upset me, why it upset me, and that I’m over it by the time I’m done with the explanation. I’m very non-confrontational in person. Through txt and IM I can become argumentative if something comes up. In person, I clam up, I close off, I try to avoid stressful situations. Well, everything that has come up with her, then, has been through txt and IM. And, even through those mediums, the stupid shit still comes out of my “mouth.”

So, time to be honest. Everything that the people in my life DO know about the problems I’ve been with is completely one-sided. And it’s only the “crazy bipolar” stuff. Her and I… there’s something special deep down in there, somewhere. I don’t want to lose this friendship, but I’m afraid I already have. I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t understand me at all. And when I say that, I mean it because I haven’t even let her understand me. I’m too scared, because I know me. I know about my “episodes” where something upsets me and I start to say stupid shit, uncontrollably, and end up screwing things up as a result.

So mom, hubby, and everyone else who’s told me that this friendship isn’t suitable for me… I can’t say you’re right, because if that were the case then you haven’t been suitable for me either. Mom, you and I have been through a LOT and are like BEST FRIENDS now after all we’ve been through. I know we don’t talk as much as we’d like, with schedules and all that, but our bond is STRONG AS STEEL. Hubby, you are my other half, you complete me, and it took a hell of a lot on your part for our relationship to get where it is today, and I love you for every moment of it. And to both of you, who I know I’ve hurt SO MUCH in the past… I’m sorry.

And to you, friend whose name I haven’t mentioned… does this explain anything? Or does it even matter anymore? Have I already ruined it too far past the point of fixing? And, if there is still a chance… do you have the patience to deal with me? Because this is it… what I’ve posted here… it’s not going to change. I will still take things the wrong way. I will still say things to you that I do not mean. It’s uncontrollable. And I’m sorry for all I have said in the past. And I’m sorry for anything I may say in the future. I guess the question is… can you forgive me now and in the future?

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