Got up with Daniel Tuesday morning. He had trouble getting his car started and discovered the battery connection was bad. He was able to get going, though. I left at the same time as him, even though he said I didn’t have to. I wanted to stay, but it would have been lonely without him anyway and I’d have nothing to do unless I wanted to try and actually get a little bit of sleep in his bed.
Headed home and grabbed a latte while getting the computer booted up. Got parked on SL, then tried to get on Blade & Soul but was too distracted. I was too happy, from Daniel’s words the night before. He hadn’t said them again this morning, but I was still happy.
He finally sent me a friend request on Facebook. Only took 8 months.
He sent me a YouTube song and it made my heart soar.
I’ve known for a while, from how he acts around me and treats me, that he loves me. I’d only waited 8 months to hear him say it. Yet I still felt uncertain, I wanted the confirmation of some sort of commitment on some level with him.
I spent a lot of time in tears at the conflicting feelings coursing through me. All I could do to pass the time was scroll through Facebook and ponder my thoughts. Desperate to know but feeling like I already knew.
That was pretty much how I carried on through the rest of the day.
Headed to bed just after getting Casey settled.
Wednesday morning, woke up somewhat early after getting something like 10 hours of sleep. Grabbed a latte while getting the computer booted. Got parked on SL and then resumed my distracted Facebook scrolling and sitting around waiting.
I tried to see if I could see him that night, but he said he had to go to his parents, that him and his dad were going to go back to his house and pick up his truck so he could get it fixed.
I ended up writing him a sort of love letter. Handwritten, but I scanned it and put it on Google Drive for him to see when he was able. I also later typed it up in case it was hard to read from his phone.
Daniel didn’t get off work until much later than usual, he’d worked 13 hours. He posted on Facebook that he needed a beer, so I offered to take him one but he didn’t respond.
I’d sent him some messages throughout the day but he’d stopped responding, as is his usual routine which drives me nuts.
Eventually I sent him an angry emoji. He finally started talking. I started pushing for an answer. First just an answer to my letter, but when I wasn’t thrilled with his response I started pushing for answers on where we stand.
He changed his relationship status to “In a Relationship” but said it was so he’d stop being bugged. I was hurt and conveyed as much in my messages. He said he knew I’d snap. I said I wasn’t snapping but that I was tired of all the mixed signals. He said “you’re right.” I expressed my feelings again and told him I know he loves me and to just go with it. He said stop. I said fine, wished him a good night. A while later I was feeling like I’d really screwed things up, knowing I’d pushed too far.
I’d kept pushing, until I think I might have pushed him away. It was after 1am when I last heard from him. I sent an apology for putting too much pressure on him, that it wasn’t fair.
I tried to get on Blade & Soul to distract myself so I could calm down. Spent a short while questing but was too distracted with my thoughts, so I logged off and went to bed instead.