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So WTF ever happened, anyway?

I haven't posted a whole lot about the whole impending divorce. And, as things stand at the moment, idk if it's still happening or not.

But, nevertheless, what actually led to it, anyway?

Since Dave and I were first dating, I'd asked repeatedly for an open relationship. A few years ago, he finally conceded. It took a couple years before we acted on it.

At first, things were fine. Great, even. Even when he went out on dates, I was rather aroused by the idea. I was sometimes jealous, when his bond with any particular woman got to be too close. So, I started instituting "rules" to make our open marriage work. Like, no getting on Skype was one of our rules. Limiting our dates to once a week, I believe, was another, with us alternating who goes out each week. I can't remember all of them now, but it was things like that.

Well, that didn't work.

I also repeatedly just called the whole open relationship off. Jealousy would get to be too much.

Once, during an "off" time, upon returning from a road trip, Casey and I went to see him at his work. He'd left his phone on and I grabbed it, thumbing through his texts. Turns out, he'd gone behind my back, texting women, and had met one for lunch while we were out of town. I flew off the handle.

Towards the end of 2016, things were "on again" and he was seeing this girl, Amanda. He'd invite her over to the apartment, and her daughter too. Her daughter's name is also Casey, so we had to start referring to her as "Pink Casey" and our Casey as "Blue Casey" so the kids would know who we were talking to. They'd sometimes stay overnight, too. The first couple times, Amanda would sleep in the bed with Dave and I. I would wake up and they'd either be snuggling or having sex. I was growing uncomfortable with the situation, and asked that she not sleep in our bed anymore. Next time she came over, Dave made up the futon for Amanda and Pink Casey, and at the end of the night when it was bedtime, he snuggled into her until she fell asleep. I sat there, waiting and waiting, finally nudging him to come to our bed.

Meanwhile, the conversations I and we had with Amanda were very insightful and meaningful. Yes, she became a friend to me, as well. We even took the kids to the zoo on a play date once. But that's beside the point. Amanda knew there'd been tension in our marriage over the years. I think she even knew that this time of it being open again was a last ditch effort on my part to hold things together. I knew that things being open, at that point, were more important to Dave than they were to me. She would offer suggestions, helping us to see where we could make improvements, as an impartial observer. And things between Dave and I did begin to approve, drastically.

One day, Dave and I were in the shower together, and he confessed his love for Amanda. My heart fucking broke. I felt cheated out of my marriage. I'm fairly certain I demanded he stop talking to her. And at this point, I believe he was still hoping to save our marriage as well. We continued to work on things. I continued to go out of my comfort zone, snuggling with him without him having to ask first. Cooking new and exciting things. Getting out of the house more, etc.

A few weeks after our 15th wedding anniversary, over dinner one night, he asked me if I felt like I was being myself around him. Begrudgingly, I admitted that no, I didn't. That's when he asked for a divorce.

I immediately fled to my parents' home in Georgia for a few week stay, to put space between Dave and I and to spend the time thinking and planning. My mom knows how Dave has treated me over the years. How he always talks down to me, picks on me, picks fights, etc. She lost all respect for him. She even called him a "disrespectful lost soul" on Facebook just prior to deleting him. My parents offered to help Casey and I get settled in to live in Georgia. They'd cover the moving costs, and help with rent.

This is where the problem with THAT started. I had and still have no job. No savings. We have $30,000 in credit card debt. How in the hell am I supposed to afford to live on my own, to support myself and our son as a single mom? Dave had said that he wouldn't take me to court for Casey because he needed to be sure that Casey was always looked after. Being military, he just doesn't know if he's going to have to be gone for weeks at a time. He gets some notice, but with his new job he'd be getting here in Wisconsin, there'd possibly be less notice. He'd sometimes have to work weekends as well. Things like that. He knew he wouldn't be able to be there for Casey like I could. Anyway, but I didn't and still don't have my own job. I've done some crowdsourcing since we've lived in Wisconsin, but the pay's not great and the projects are short. Honestly? The thought of working outside the home again terrifies me. Not to mention, I haven't worked in like 6 years now and never finished college. What kind of place would even hire me at this point?

These are the places my mind went when Casey and I were in Georgia visiting. And ultimately, I discover that I'm basically stuck. I've felt stuck in this marriage for the last, 5 years. And now, I realize, I really am. With no money of my own, I'm stuck. No way out of an abusive marriage. Trapped.

Since we've lived here, we've simply been cohabitating. Occasionally there's snuggling. A smooch on the cheek here and there. That's pretty much it. We speak, but usually not like a married couple. We argue quite a bit more than I'd like, but it's actually not that often. Once a week maybe? Casey says "mommy and daddy aren't friends anymore." That breaks my heart to hear from my sweet little boy.

When we first moved here, we kinda acted like single roommates. I had a few dates, as did he. But nothing ever clicked, for me anyway. And for months now, he hasn't left the house except for grocery shopping and work. At least, I assume he's going to work every day. He keeps his phone locked, so I don't have any access to see what's going on.

For the last couple months, he's said at times he wants to make things work, for Casey's sake. He can't imagine a life without having Casey in it every day, and he knows that if we divorce that Casey and I probably would end up back in Georgia. But he goes back and forth like a yo-yo. One minute he wants to make things work, or at least doesn't say otherwise, and the next he can't wait to be rid of me.

Around the time he asked for divorce, he went to see a psychiatrist. They said, based on what he told them, that he is emotionally abusive towards others. He went to therapy for a few sessions before we moved, but not since. He insisted that I needed therapy to "fix my personality." For months and months I refused to even acknowledge the possibility, much less act on it. Eventually, I knew, I needed to seek help again for myself. Not for him, but for me. My first appointment was the day after Christmas. Unfortunately, there's only one therapist at the clinic right now and she's very busy. So my next appointment with her was on Wednesday. We've defined some goals for myself, based on what I want to improve myself AND the marriage. One is to spend more time outside my room, since this is where I spend about 90% of my days and nights. Another is to make some new friends, both online and off. Since I'm so incredibly shy, this is a real challenge for me. Quite honestly, it gives me anxiety to even think about it. But I've been missing having connections, of my own, and know it would benefit me greatly.

So, other than me spending all kinds of time on Second Life and Wizard101, this is where things stand with my life right now.

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