So, I can’t possibly describe how it feels to know that I am truly not alone in what I deal with on a daily basis. The constant worry that people are lying when they say they “insert positive sentiment here” (care, love, blah blah blah) about me… paranoid that my relationships are going to go to shit… sabotaging said relationships because, if they’re gonna fall to shit, I may as well make sure it’s done thoroughly anyway…
With that said… my mind always goes to Nik. Shit, he’s always on my mind. A moment doesn’t go by where I am not obsessively checking any and all messengers and social media sites to see if he’s active on them at that particular moment… hoping he’ll communicate with me in some way. I’m pathetic. I’m a loser. I am so in love with this guy and don’t even know if he feels the same way. The only thing I “know” is that he “feels the same.” But he hasn’t come out and said it since we were in high school.
Even on good days, I am still miserable. Thank God for Casey, otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t be here. Well, maybe not 100% sure, but sure. I am that depressed. But I have hope. I will not lose hope. So long as I have hope, and Casey, I will be ok.
I am so ready to just run away with what I do have (nothing) and find a way to be with Nik. Can’t we just run off into the sunset together? Ok, maybe only in my dreams… again, despite him saying that our feelings are mutual (but not going so far as to tell me he loves me), I just can’t wrap my brain around that possibility. Especially when he just cuts me off when his wife catches him. Leave her! Be with me! Let’s go be happy together!
Fuck, I’m pathetic. He makes me happy, though. I deserve to be happy. I deserve better than this. Why can’t I just be happy? Even if it just meant getting way from Dave, I could then find my own happiness and hopefully not depend on Nik for it. But, I’m stuck. Trapped. I have no way out. At least, not for at least 15 months. Can I survive this for that long? God, I hope so.
In the meantime, I just want to hear from Nik. I don’t even fucking care anymore if Dave catches me. Let him. I have been truly, madly, deeply in love with Nik for just about 19 years. That will NEVER change. EVER. Dave once made some bullshit comment about us being soulmates. Sorry, impossible. Despite everything… I think Nik is the one. The one I’m meant to be with. Forever. My soulmate. My other half.
Sorry, I’m a bit tipsy, making me especially pathetic… God I’m such a loser. So hung up on this guy who won’t even talk to me, because his damn wife caught him, AGAIN! I don’t even think I’ll hear from him again. My issues (which my sister can relate to) will probably always make me think that it’s just not possible for his feelings to be mutual.
If they’re so damn mutual, if he feels the same way, then why won’t he talk to me, despite his wife? We used to message each other on Kik all day when he was at work, and all night when his wife went to bed. Why does that have to be any different?
Ugh. ‘cuz if he keeps getting caught, he can’t afford for them to get divorced.
Can’t we just figure this out, together, to be together?
He probably doesn’t TRULY want to be with me anyway…