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Saturday & Sunday

Slept in Saturday morning, when I got up Dave was heading to the gym. I got my coffee, got on SL to change and park, then got to scrolling Facebook. Still hadn’t heard anything from Daniel and it was super devastating. I just kept thinking, what did I do wrong? The texts I’d sent Thursday night didn’t seem that bad!! I read them and reread them over and over and just couldn’t understand why he wasn’t texting me back.

When Dave got home from the gym, he said that he’d tried to buy something at the PX and the debit card was declined, he asked if we were out of money. Baffled, I got right to checking things. Between eating out and groceries, and Dave’s constant Amazon purchases, we’d overspent by $400. Dave was infuriated. I understand that, but he blamed me! As though I did it all by myself! He claims that, since I’m at home all day every day, there’s no reason I shouldn’t have constant knowledge of what’s in the bank account, and communicate with him what’s going on. Ok, yeah, that I can understand, too. So, I’ll have to start checking the finances daily. He also wants to start sitting down every Friday, to see what’s going on with each account. FUCK! I spend too much on games! I know I do! I put it on credit cards, and if he sees that he’s going to flip a fucking lid. I used my savings account to pay off one card, and transferred the remainder of my savings to PayPal to then transfer into my new checking account, so I can use that to pay off another card. There’ll be just the one card left that I need to hope to God I can keep him from seeing all the gaming purchases. I cannot, literally CANNOT spend any more money on games.

Also, he expressed that, as soon as our finances are in order, he’s done with me. So, I’m going to have to find a job, as soon as I’m able. I applied for the company I’ve been wanting to work at for years, for a telecommute position based out of Wausau. I pray to God I get it. I think it’s in-home call center type stuff, but idgaf at this point, I need money. More money than what I can get crowdsourcing.

So that put another damper on the rest of my day. He’d then keep coming into my room and inquiring again, are we really all out of money? I’d had to ask him shortly after going through the finances, if it was ok for me to transfer the money out of his dad’s estate account, the couple hundred that was left. I needed to get a couple things at Walmart and needed $20 cash back in case people wanted to return the popcorn, because I worried they expected white cheddar when it was really just kernels for use in an air popper. He’d said that was fine, but then he’d come to my room asking about the money again and again, and saying he wasn’t spending a penny anymore unless he had cash.

Meanwhile, Casey was just spending time on Minecraft. He didn’t say a word about it, though he overheard so much. He did ask at one point about getting a new computer, because his acts up all the time. It’s my old craptop, so yeah. And I said we couldn’t. He asked if it was because we have no money. The poor guy doesn’t deserve this!!

I messaged Colin on SL about it, but he must’ve been asleep. He hadn’t been feeling well. I desperately wanted to hear from Daniel, not so much to tell him what was going on, but more just to ease some of my distress. But I didn’t hear anything from him.

Made another Home Chef. When I told Dave dinner was ready, he said nothing and didn’t come to eat with me and Casey.

After dinner, Casey finished up on Minecraft and then got ready for bed. While he was on Minecraft, I started having issues staying logged into SL. He wanted Dave to read to him, so I waited until they were done and then went in to snuggle him and tuck him in.

After Casey was tucked in, I finished watching Fifty Shades of Grey and started on Fifty Shades Darker. I felt like I was torturing myself with it, though, because I want to be Anastasia and I want Daniel to be my Christian. But, it didn’t depress me more, so I was able to enjoy it.

Got to bed at a fairly reasonable time, about 10:30 or so. Slept in again Sunday morning. When I woke up, I checked my phone. Not something I’m in the habit of doing before I even get out of bed. But I did that time. And I had a couple messages from Daniel! He said he was sorry he hadn’t texted me, that he’d just been super busy, and he wanted to see me that day! I tried not to get my hopes up, but it was so nice to hear from him again. I really thought my texts Thursday night had put him off, and I’d been really down about it.

Got my coffee and got on SL to park. But throughout the morning I was having issues staying logged in, and they finally showed that there were login issues on the SL grid status page.

It was about 10:30 and I started looking to see if there were any local churches with services I’d be able to make it to. Unfortunately, by the time I’d be dressed and ready to head out, it’d be too late for any of them. So, I fully intend to look into it for next weekend, pick one that I think will suit me and go. I need that back in my life. I’m in too much inner turmoil all the time these days to not let God fully back into my life. Not that I’ve ever let Him out of my life, but I need to fully embrace my faith and trust in Him to see me through these hard times.

Got Casey dressed around noon so we’d have that out of the way in case anybody showed up for the last door-to-door popcorn sales. I wasn’t expecting that anybody would show, but we did at least need to deliver the popcorn from the last door-to-door.

I was surprised to see that Ben turned up with his son Graham. We hit the road, delivered the 3 orders. We didn’t mention to a single one of them about the “White Popping Corn” not being White Cheddar. Nobody complained, no returns needed. Once we were done with that, we headed a bit farther up the road and then crossed to hit the other side we didn’t get to last time. We wouldn’t quite be making it around the entire neighborhood, but it’d be enough. We did $105 in sales in about an hour of being out! Not too shabby!

Ben went to drop off the cash and pick up the popcorn from Scott’s house, and asked if Graham could stay and play with Casey. Sure, Casey loves having friends over! So they played and played. Mostly it went well, but one time Graham put one of Casey’s minis into the minis bucket and it upset Casey because it was one of his special minis that he doesn’t put into his minis bucket. Graham apologized and went to fetch it out, and I assured Casey that Graham was sorry and was fixing it.

Ben came back with the popcorn, all the orders will be filled as soon as we can get out there to do it. I pretty much told everyone it’d be next weekend, that’ll just be easier for me.

Casey got back to playing Mario, he’d been interested in playing that again lately. I got back on the computer and just did the usual, scrolling through Facebook. I did get to text with Daniel a bit, mostly about making plans for later. He promised we’d see each other today. I didn’t even mention to Dave that I was making tentative plans, he was drinking himself into oblivion anyway so I didn’t care. Besides, any time I ask him if he minds if I go out, his answer is “I don’t care what you do.” So, why should I let him know about tentative plans?

While I cooked the last of last week’s Home Chef, Casey tried on his Halloween costume. He’s going as Mario this year. It’s a perfect fit!

We all ate dinner, but Dave wasn’t communicating with me much. There was a lot of unspoken tension between us. He’d gone off on me about the money a few times throughout the day. Still blaming me. Not willing to take responsibility for at least his fair share of the situation.

After dinner, I got everything cleaned up, and Casey wanted to play Minecraft. So he got on there, and I texted Daniel a bit about our plans for later. He wanted to meet up around 6:30 or so. He let me know when he was on his way back through Tomah, which would put him getting to town about right when I needed to get Casey to bed. So I let him know that, and he said that was fine and he’d be there. We ironed out the details while Casey got his important stuff done.

By this point, Dave was at his computer, continuing his drinking while listening to music with earbuds in. So, as soon as Casey was tucked in, I started making my way to the door, and texted Dave that I was heading out to see a friend, but that I wasn’t going to spend any money.

As soon as I got my jacket on, I heard Dave talking to Casey. Not wanting to leave yet if Casey was upset, I listened in. The humidifier we were trying in Casey’s room for his cough was scaring him, I guess it was too noisy. Finally he told Dave he wanted to sleep by me. So, I explained that I was going out, but that he could crawl into my bed and I’d be there in a bit. Casey was fine with that, but Dave was going ballistic. Trying to get Casey to ask me where I was going, who I was seeing, what I was doing. He was also telling me I didn’t need to be going anywhere, because we have no money. I kept telling him I wasn’t spending any money, and it wasn’t any of his business where I was going or who I was seeing or what I was doing.

Finally managed to get Casey settled into my bed, and he was fine with me going out. He just wanted to sleep in my bed, that’s all he was worried about. I was looking forward to crawling into bed with him later after I got home.

So, I was getting ready to leave. I was expecting Dave to physically block me from leaving. I was carrying around a small locked box with me, which contained a couple “toys” I was taking with. Dave started accusing me of leaving the house with “his money.” Finally, to shut him up, I unlocked the box to show him what I was taking with me. He was still going on about shit and I’d had enough, so I just left.

Originally, Daniel and I were going to meet in a parking lot. I was nervous about getting caught in public doing “stuff,” and had expressed that. He’d asked about splitting a hotel, and I just simply said we have $0 right now. When I was finally out the door, he told me he was at a different place than we’d originally agreed on, he was at a hotel. I thought, maybe the one we were going to meet at was too brightly lit or too busy or something. But no, turned out he’d gotten a hotel room. I was so relieved. He told me the room number and said the door was open. I was so nervous! I went in and heard the shower running and had to take a Xanax to calm down. Like, is this really happening??

I’m going to leave the rest of those details out and just say that I had an amazing couple of hours with him before it was time for him to get some sleep and me to head home to do the same. He said he was going to be in town early on Friday for an appointment, so we should be able to see each other for a bit while the boys are in school.

Headed home, not sure if I’d have to call the cops for being locked out. I mean, of course I have a key, but if Dave had locked the screen door and then gone to bed I’d be screwed. And given his behavior before I left, I was worried what I’d be going home to. But no worries there, the screen door was unlocked, I let myself in, Dave was in bed, and Casey was softly snoring in my bed. I got switched over to Lumiya for SL and got the computer powered down for bed, got Casey moved a bit so I had room and snuggled in with him. When I kissed his little cheek, he looked at me and his eyes kinda smiled before he drifted back off. Then I got to sleep myself.

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