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Reflections…

Ever since Scott’s death, I’ve been thinking a lot about my own life.

A side thought, before I get to my reflections: Why did I delete all my old journal entries? Stupid!

Over the last several years, I’ve had a lot of struggles with suicidal thoughts and feelings, but never made any attempts. Instead, I ended up in the mental hospital 5 times in 1 1/2 years. After the last time in the hospital, I struggled hard to never go back. I fought through all the suicidal moments, fearing that one day I would lose that fight. Now that all this has happened with Scott, I am thinking, “What stopped me from ever acting on it? What happened in my life to save me from making that decision? How am I still here, after all I’ve been through?” I still have my moments, but I have learned that they only last about 30 minutes, and then I am fine. So, I fight for my own life, for about 30 minutes, on a not-too-regular basis, so I can still be here today, and tomorrow, and for *at least* 50 more years. But, how have I done this? I suppose I am a lot stronger than I ever believed I was. I always thought I was weak for having such thoughts and feelings, but I suppose I am really strong for not submitting to them. My only answer to any of those questions, is that there must have been some divine intervention, keeping me alive, saving my life. I can’t think of any better answer.

So, I will continue to fight for my life, today and for as long as I am here. Death will come eventually, but it won’t be on my terms, it will be on His.

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