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Nik update… and other things…

So, last weekend I tried a different approach with reaching out to Nik. I messaged him at night after I deemed it most likely for his wife to be asleep. He finally started messaging me back! It turns out he’d gotten caught again so was laying low for a while. I must be pretty irresistible in the end, though, since he did finally start talking again. I straight up asked him if the risk is worth it, if he wants to keep doing what we’re doing, and he said yes. I told him I don’t think I could give him up again. I know it’s not right. But honestly, I don’t care. I haven’t been happy with Dave for about 7 or 8 years. He’s not very nice to me a lot of the time. For that matter, there are too many times where I feel emotionally and verbally abused. And some of those times occur right in front of Casey, and that’s just wrong. And that is a completely separate issue from my feelings for Nik. Before Nik and I started actually talking again, was when I’d left Dave for a week. If not for Casey, I’d easily say that falling for his lines and coming home was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I don’t deserve to be treated that way, and Casey shouldn’t have to grow up in that kind of environment. But, I’m stuck. I am a stay at home mom. I’m lucky that I have a husband who provides for me and that I’m able to stay at home with our son. But, that also leaves me stuck. I have no money of my own, nowhere to go if I leave, and if I left then I’d be leaving Casey’s father behind. I can’t see a way out of this. So, I will endure, until Casey is old enough that I can leave. Even if Nik can’t get away from his wife, I still don’t see this marriage lasting beyond the point of Casey being old enough for me to feel it’s the right time.

We are moving to Texas in 5 weeks. We just found out about a week ago. Dave had been trying to get a job as a full time army reservist, it’s called AGR. He was offered a job in Texas, and basically can’t turn it down. If he would turn it down, then he wouldn’t get another chance in the future for anywhere else. So, we have to get our things ready to move, soon. Sell the house, get rid of unnecessary possessions, and get on. Our income will be about double what we have now, so it’s an opportunity that just can’t be passed up. And I fully intend to start an account and put away at least a small amount of money each month for myself, for my eventual escape. Even if it’s just $50 to $100 a month, by the time Casey is old enough for me to leave, it’ll be a lot.

If at such point Casey begins to indicate that he understands mommy isn’t treated well, that will be the time to leave for sure. Otherwise, probably not until he’s 18. I hope I can survive 16 more years of this…

I love Nik. I can’t imagine my life without him. It’s always been him, he was the first to enter my heart in that way, and I will die loving him. He makes me deliriously happy. I deserve to be happy, even if we can’t really truly be fully together. Any way that we are together, makes me happy.

So, there’s my update… I’m going to try to update this more often, but we’ll see…

And, in other news, I’ve recently found out that my psycho stalker has moved back to this area. Thank God we’re moving away, far far away!

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