Hey everyone!
A lot has happened this past week and I still can’t quite figure out how to put it all into words, but I’m going to try…
I realized several weeks ago that I was manic for the greater part of the summer. I was unusually happy, feeling on top of the world, that nothing could bring me down. I’ve always been the type of person to spend more money than I should, while still avoiding spending “too much.” That’s one of the main symptoms of mania, according to my doc… spending so much money that it can’t be accounted for. Well, that’s the only thing I haven’t experienced, probably not once in my life. But, I know, and I think she agrees, that I was manic… for several weeks. Then, about two weeks ago, I started slipping into a depression. I was having problems at work, and quit as a result. That’s a whole other story (I’ll type that, briefly, in a minute). I would spend every day sitting, staring into space, at my favorite Coffee Shop, doing, literally, nothing. I’d stay up there all day, almost until they were closed. There’s actually a guy that hangs out up there that could be the twin of an old friend of mine… minus 5 or 6 years. Creepy!
So, the stuff with Walmart. Well, they hadn’t trained me right since I’d been there… I’d been there over two months and hadn’t received adequate training. They blamed it on my attendance. I understand, without any shadow of a doubt, that my attendance was a huge problem. I’d missed 7 days in a two-month period. However, even though that is (definitely) a problem, I had paperwork in my Personnel File there that justified my attendance issues. That’s the only problem with me… now that I actually CAN work (after almost 5 years of not being able to… stupid bipolar) the only thing I ask them to work with me on is my attendance. Working at a place like that, if I’m having a panic attack, that’s the last place I need to be… and they agreed, but still kept bringing up the problem of my attendance… and my boss spit it in my face that I hadn’t been trained properly because the two days she set aside to train me I “didn’t show up.” Well, I didn’t know in advance… I would have made every effort possible to show up those two days if I had known! And why were those two days set aside for after I’d been there two months without receiving adequate training? The main person doing my training was the one person my boss told me didn’t do anything correctly. I’m trying not to go into too much detail, but I hope you see the problem here… so I quit… because I was going crazy… and for the two weeks since, I’ve been a zombie… sitting at Caribou doing absolutely nothing… FUN!
Dave and I have been having problems, pretty much since he got out of the Army, or maybe even when he got home from Iraq a few months prior. We just aren’t getting along anymore, and I haven’t decided if it’s something worth fighting for. Worse yet, it’s become obvious that I’m not worth fighting for, to him. Every time I say that our marriage is over, he just says “ok” and doesn’t object, doesn’t fight for me to stay, nothing… He’s not the person I knew, even though 10 months isn’t enough time to get to know someone before getting married… I mean, it’s plenty of time to fall in love and get married, but to actually really know the person, through and through, it takes a lot longer. Some people don’t really truly know each other until they’ve been married 5, 10, 15 years… people can spend their whole lives getting to know each other, and that’s what I’d think to be ideal… there’s always something new and exciting in the relationship if you’re spending the rest of your lives learning more about each other. Anyway, I thought I knew Dave… I thought I knew how wonderful of a person he was… but I was wrong. He’s horrible… he’s a major jerk, and I don’t like him. I don’t even know if he’s the kind of person I could ever like… he doesn’t physically abuse me, but he hurts me all the time….
So, all in all, I’ve come to believe that life really does suck, until you die…
Maybe this is why I’ve spent the last almost 2 years away from livejournaling…. because everything has been so awful I haven’t wanted to document it…
I’m going to go now… I didn’t want to go on and on about those things to begin with, and I certainly don’t want to type more than necessary about it… maybe documenting all of it will make it all better?
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