You know, having paid for a permanent account and everything, I really do need to post, a LOT more! It’s not like there’s never anything on my mind for me to want to post about. I guess I just got so far out of the habit of posting REAL updates that I find it difficult to get back into the swing of things. I don’t want to go too far in depth on any one thing, so today I’m just posting some updates about a few things, kinda getting everything up to speed.
My poor baby. We noticed a few weeks ago that she’d had some rapid, extensive weight loss. We were concerned that it wasn’t just “old age” so we took her to the vet. The vet found a tumor the diameter of a hamburger in her abdomen. The more we think about it, the more likely that’s why she’s stopped using the litter box, to let us know that there’s a problem.
A few days before we took her to the vet, she stopped wanting to take her blood pressure medicine. As soon as the doctor told me what the problem was, it dawned on me that’s probably why. She’s trying to say “mommy, stop trying to fix me.”
We went back and forth on whether or not we wanted to put her through surgery, and have ultimately decided against it. She already has a heart problem, we don’t want to put her through the stress and have her die of a heart attack just because we don’t want to lose her. The anesthesia alone can kill a healthy human, so I’m sure there’s the same risk for cats. And, the doctor is pretty sure it is cancerous, since she’d had the rapid weight loss, so there’s no guarantee that she’d be able to fix anything. She may just open her up and see that it’s too far gone, close her back up and give her back to us. Dave did some reading online, and I guess most cats that do go through the surgery don’t live much longer after anyway. She’s already 14 years old, she’s lived a good life with us, and we don’t want to put her through anything that doesn’t have guarantees, or put her through something that could kill her anyway.
So, the doctor says that without the surgery she could live weeks, months, there’s really no way to tell. So, we’re just going to enjoy the time we do have left with her, and make the most of it. I know I’m going to be a mess when she dies, because she’s my baby, like my firstborn child. I can’t imagine not having her, and this sickness has really made the mortality sink in. My poor baby is sick, and she’s actually NOT going to live forever. I’ve always called her my perma-kitten due to her kitten-like features (aside from the huge belly she used to have) and now there’s no denying it: she’s not a kitten, she’s not immortal, she’s going to die, and probably soon. I’m going to have to take bereavement leave from work, I’m sure.
She never did give me my money back. After weeks of trying, we had a huge blowout, wherein I basically let out all my frustrations to her. Towards the end of the blowout, I realized I’d been clenching my teeth the entire time, so hard that I was dizzy. Once I was done, the frustration had gone away, but the devastation remained of having hurt her. We didn’t speak for weeks, then I happened to see her yahoo status that everything around her was crumbling. I was concerned, so I txtd her, and now we’re talking again.
Last night I was reflecting, and realized I’ve had a horrible time making friends over the years. I had a BEST friend up until we moved towards the end of first grade, and we tried to keep in touch, but that was difficult until Facebook came along (lol). I had another BEST friend from 2nd to 11th grade, and at the end of that she told me that she never really liked me to begin with. I have had a BEST friend since I was 18, and over the last (almost) 12 years we’ve managed to keep that friendship strong, despite the ups and downs.
I’ve had other people in my life I could call “friends” but no one that really meant enough that I could really trust them and call them one of my “besties.”
See, from 2nd grade through graduation, I was horribly made fun of for my weigh, and in 9th grade I was date-raped by some guy I thought liked me. I have horrible trust issues, and I won’t really confide in people until I feel like they won’t stab me in the back. And I’ve had enough downs with Mandie, I don’t feel like I can really trust her
And yet, I haven’t even tried. I don’t know any of her favorites, shouldn’t I if I want to be friends? I find myself trying to avoid seeing her, scared that we’ll have another falling out. Between my trust issues and fear, I’m holding out on getting to know her, and keeping her from being able to really get to know me.
I guess she’s working again, and living with some guy she dated once years ago right before or right after me and Dave got married. We don’t hear from her a whole lot, at least I don’t. Every now and then she’ll pop over, sometimes drop off something for us or the cats. I know she still hasn’t hit rock bottom, but at least her disease isn’t infecting our lives anymore. We know she has a roof over her head, she seems to have a job for the first time in a few years, so at least she’s doing ok.
I’m not sure what I’ve posted about my job. I worked at Panera for just over 2 years and LOVED it. That is, until I developed a back problem that wouldn’t go away. My boss there wanted me to have my doctor write a note that said what my restrictions were, and the doctor that diagnosed me didn’t seem to want to spend much more time with me to be able to identify all my restrictions. And my doctor refused to write the note, so I decided to quit.
I’ve been working at Apac since, which is a call center. I answer calls for Medco, providing customer service. I’m doing really well, though I can’t say I love this job as much as Panera. I think I want to be a team lead, so that I don’t have to just sit and answer phones all day. I think a variety of tasks would make me enjoy it more. It can be rough, especially when people call in about problems they’re having.
I am still doing Passion Parties, but I have such a hard time actually getting the parties. I’m paranoid of walking up to a person I’ve never spoken to, in any way, and trying to get a party out of them. First of all, I know that I don’t always want to be bothered when I’m out and about by someone else that’s trying to make a buck of me, so how can I feel right about doing that to others? Second of all, I swear I have a fear of people, which I don’t doubt stems from all the same trust issues that impact my ability to make and/or keep friends.
I seem to do better when I’m out and about and it just happens to come up. Usually in some sort of social setting, like out at the bar for karaoke, or at work on a smoke break chatting with coworkers. It’s easier then to occasionally throw in that I do “those” parties and I’ve actually had a LITTLE bit of luck that way. Last Saturday a coworker had a party, and I’m still working on orders for it. Another coworker booked a party for about a month from now, and two others say they want to have parties.
I wish I could figure out a way to really get my parties to take off. I’ve been doing this for 5 years, and if I didn’t have such a hard time approaching strangers I’d probably be a millionaire by now. Instead we’re still barely scraping by, what with our spending habits and all.