Was able to get out of bed a little bit earlier this morning, which at first I was glad about. I sensed it was because I was anxious about *possibly* seeing Daniel today. Either way, it’s nice to have enough time to finish my latte before taking Casey to school. Got him up, dressed, fed, and off to school on time.
Came back home and got parked on SL. I didn’t feel like changing.
After SL I got on Wiz to check my gardens, but got an IM from a friend asking for help in Castle Darkmoor. I hadn’t been on much for a week or so, and didn’t realize he’d gotten to that point. We struggled through the first fight, then one of the others mentioned the gold skeleton key area off to the left of the entrance. I explained that’s where Aphrodite was, that was where we could get the best ring drops. So, we went in. That was another long fight and we ended up all dying after an hour or so, at the same time. I couldn’t face going back in and starting all over again. So, I logged off after saying goodbye.
I was feeling incredibly depressed, and Colin was well aware. At one point he mentioned something about hoping he’d be enough for me. I explained that I needed something physical, near. He understands. I feel so bad talking about Daniel all the time, but it’s really been plaguing me. Colin and I are a lot alike in that respect, we fell into sync pretty quick and there was never an issue of “hmm wonder why I haven’t heard from him.”
Colin got a return call from one of his friends, who he’d tried to call Wednesday and yesterday. He missed the call, but I urged him to call his friend back. They spent a couple hours on the phone.
While off the call with Colin, I vacuumed my room and the kitchen, then mopped the kitchen. I scooped the litterbox, and folded my laundry. I felt productive. But really I was just trying to kill time.
Got back on the call with Colin and he told me about his call with his friend, Alan (sp?). I was glad they’d had a chance to catch up!
Spent more time just being miserable, but thankful for the company. Guess they do say misery loves company, huh?
One thing I talked to Colin about was that, if I hear from Daniel this weekend for some sort of booty call, I’m going to just be honest and say that I can’t, because I want more. I already know that, at some point, Daniel and I need to talk about this stuff. I mean, I can’t just blurt out “I love you” or “Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn’t until I met you.” That’s a bit heavy. But, he needs to understand, I want to be more of a priority. Not top priority, his job and his son come first. But enough of a priority that he texts me back instead of making me wait for days. Because this is driving me absolutely batty.
Went and got Casey from school, and had him sit on the toilet as soon as he got home. I eventually noted that he had indeed taken his tablet in there with him. He spent over an hour on the toilet, with no luck. Really?!?! He has a doctor’s appointment next month, I plan to bring it up. It’s just not right, he only goes once every week or two. That’s not healthy. He’s going to end up very sick one day if he keeps this up.
Dave got home while Casey was still on the toilet. He asked what the dinner plan was, I told him leftovers. He said he’d had the same food for a few days now. Last night he had lentil soup, the night before I cooked. Wtf? Whatever, I wasn’t planning to cook tonight.
Casey wanted mac & cheese so I made that for him then heated up the last of Monday’s soup for myself. It was pretty good, but I should have put it in the microwave for longer.
After dinner, Casey wanted to get on Minecraft. I’d booted the computer for him while he’d been on the toilet earlier. So, I got him logged in and he got to playing on there.
I grabbed some wine to drown my sorrows and kept up with my usual of scrolling through Facebook endlessly.
Dave came in my room and said he wanted to sit down at 9:30 to go over finances. I said something like, “why can’t we do it now? I’ll be tired later.” He blabbered something about me drinking coffee instead of wine, but went and got a chair anyway.
He was a complete asshole while I was trying to show him how things currently stand. We’d had this talk months ago about our debt, and things haven’t changed. Actually, they’ve indeed gotten worse. We’re now over $38,000 in debt instead of the $34,000 we were in months ago. NOT GOOD. But he didn’t remember the number from months ago, thankfully. He kept going off on me about why I didn’t bring it up sooner and how could things have gotten so bad and all that. I apologized profusely but he just wouldn’t let up. He complained about wanting to spend his hard-earned money on this or that and I was like YEAH! That’s what got us into this mess! He blames me for it all, because I haven’t worked continuously throughout our marriage. Tears in my eyes, I said that I should have just killed myself 16 years ago when I had the mental breakdown, instead of going into the mental hospital. He ignored the comment and just kept going off on me. Eventually I just closed the windows and shut myself down, asking him to get out of my room. He kept going off on me for a bit longer first, though.
All the while, Casey was still sitting right here playing Minecraft. I hope to God he didn’t comprehend me saying I should have killed myself.
I’m feeling more depressed now than I have in quite a while. In some ways, I do wish I was dead. But in others, I know I have so much to live for. And, no worries, I’m too chicken to take my own life.
I see Lisa on Tuesday. I’d thought about trying to get in to see her this week, because I was feeling so low about the rollercoaster that is Daniel. But I didn’t and now I wish I had. But it’s just a few days away now. I can’t very well tell her that I wish I was dead, because I’ll get locked up in the psych ward for at least a few days and they’ll mess with all my meds. But, I can tell her how sad I’ve been and talk about it.
Guess Casey had another mess in his underpants, he just sat on the toilet and went a little bit, but not enough for what I’m sure is in his tummy. Now he’s downstairs with Dave. It’s not even 7:30 yet, so I think I’ll just pause here and finish this up later.
45 minutes later…
I read for a little bit, but started feeling tired and feel like it’s too early to go to bed lol. So, I went out to the kitchen to clean up the dinner dishes. While I was doing that, Casey wanted help writing a note that says “I ❤ Michael.” Just f’n great. That’s Daniel’s son. I’m like, “Yeah I love his dad but pretty sure I screwed that up.” I didn’t say that, of course.
Once I was done with the dishes I popped some popcorn. Casey wanted some, and he got out his and Dave’s “digger mugs” for me to put some in. Dave was super happy about that. Now I’m just going to enjoy what’s left of my popcorn and watch a movie I guess.
15 minutes later…
So, Casey probably ate half my popcorn, lol. Then he got all squirrelly, I suspected because he was ready for bed. I asked him if he was going to go to bed, or watch Gold Rush with Dave. He waited a couple minutes then said he was ready for bed. Then he got all whiny and fussy about having to brush his teeth. He listened, finally, and is brushing them now. So, then I’ll read to him and get him tucked in.
Almost 10pm. Finished watching the movie on Netflix I’d started last night. I was ready for bed around 8:30 lol but that was when Casey was ready for bed. For some reason I always get a second wind when I’m getting him tucked in.
I’m half tired half wired. Mostly just depressed. Needing someone to talk to but always feel like I have no one when I need someone the most.
There’s this person on SL I used to be good friends with, Shovvan. Well, Colin and I always suspected she was really a guy pretending to be a girl. Eventually Shovvan changed his profile to say that he was a bi guy irl and married but that SL was their playground. Fair enough. The profile change eventually edited out the guy part. Then Shovvan removed everybody from his friends list on there, but I was still friends with him on Facebook. He gave me his name and we reconnected on SL. I’ve been chatting with him a bit here and there tonight, maybe he can shed some light on why Daniel isn’t texting me back.
Realistically Daniel’s just busy. For instance, this morning. He had an appointment in town, which would be anywhere from a 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hour drive from where he lives outside Milwaukee, depending on where exactly his appointment was in this area. I’d seen he was on Facebook past midnight last night. It’s possible he didn’t get much sleep before having to drive all that way, and then just crashed at his parents’ house after his appointment. But ffs why can’t he just text me back? He’s since been on Facebook. But he won’t text me back. I haven’t heard from him now since Tuesday and it’s driving me batty.
I deserve to be someone’s priority. Not their top priority necessarily, but priority nonetheless. I shared a meme on Facebook earlier, saying “If I’m not a priority when you’re preoccupied, then no, I refused to be an option when you’re bored.” I think it fits this situation.
Problem is, I don’t know, for sure, Daniel’s feelings. And I suspect they’re nowhere near mine. There’s still that nagging “forever” comment, but I’m worried now I’ll never find out what he’d said.
Just posted the situation on my SL Facebook, because I need more people I can confide in. Close friends. I can’t keep putting this on Colin, I’m worried it’ll eventually cause him much pain. And I don’t want that.
I’m going to give it just a little bit of time, see if I get a response from Brandon (formerly Shovvan) or anybody on the SL Facebook. Whether or not I hear back from anybody about it, I’m going to bed soon. Getting pretty tired. Wishing I had chocolate and wine, though lol.
