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A few thoughts… with a touch of irony…

Where shall I begin with this?

Nik was my first love, and will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually, a part of me will apparently never get over him. I used to think James Dye was my first love… but, Nik precedes him and overpowers him. I dated Nik on and off throughout High School. In Freshman year, I dumped him over a dozen times in less than 2 weeks, because I was torn between obeying my parents’ wishes and being with the one I loved, though I didn’t realize it was love at that point. I had my first kiss ever with him, and he was dating one of my friends at the time. She knew how I felt about him, and actually was sitting right there, telling him to do it. And it was great. And they broke up right then and there so he and I could be together… again. Though, that didn’t last. He took me to my Homecoming, and it was the first time in my life I’d ever been “turned on.” But, I didn’t really know what I was feeling… didn’t know I was turned on until years later when I felt the same thing again with a different person. Finally, that December of Freshman year, he ended up dating one of my best friends, to spite me, because he loved me. And I would tell him I loved him, but didn’t know my feelings were true. Out of spite and loneliness, a friend set me up over the phone with this guy, who later date-raped me. I died that day, April 28, 1996. Over the next 3 years, Nik and I continued to date on and off. In early summer of 1999, I snuck out of my parents’ house to meet him at the park nearby, and he wanted me to give him a blowjob. I refused… I didn’t want to get hurt. He never talked to me again. Within the last few years, I’ve realized that he had gotten another girl pregnant, and married her out of obligation. I’ve wondered if he ever really loved this woman, his wife. I mean, even his MySpace page seems to be solely her creation. The Nik I knew wouldn’t ever have a MySpace page like that. I have this relationship book that says how wonderful Nik and I would be together, soul-mates. And when me and Dave are having hard times, I wonder what my life would be like now if I had just been with Nik that night, because I wish I had… I still sometimes long for the chance to be intimate with him.

After the devastation that summer, I turned into a wild child. I met this guy, Tony Edens, and we refused to be in a relationship because we knew we’d be good together. But, we had a LOT of GREAT sex. And he and I still talk, and he’s told me he loves me. I don’t know if he meant it, and I don’t care, I couldn’t imagine a life with him, when a part of my heart longs more for Nik.

A couple years ago, during some marital problems, I developed an infatuation with Dave’s brother. That was only because he’s the kind of guy I’d date, though Dave’s the kind of guy I’d spend the rest of my life with. Dave’s the marrying type, Tom would just be a great fling. Here’s the irony of that… when we were in Illinois, I had to suppress any reminders of that infatuation. There was quite a bit of tension when I was around Tom, which was EVERY DAY while we were there. And then, the last night we were there, we stayed at Tom’s apartment, and slept in his bed. That was the most awkward night of the trip.

Through all my mixed feelings over the years, I am thankful to be with Dave. I love him with almost all my heart, all my heart except for the piece that was forever broken the summer of 1999. I wish I could get that piece back, so I could give it all to Dave. He doesn’t deserve to have a wife who always second-guesses her decision to marry him, whenever problems surface. He deserves much more than me, but I am thankful he chose me nevertheless.

So, when I just did the MASH game, I was floored. A stupid game of CHANCE picked Nik over Dave (and over Kasey Kahne, grr!). Not only that, but everything else it picked was what I am planning for my life. At least one child, a career as a psychiatrist, a Blue Saturn Vue… settling down in my hometown. The whole freaking game, aside from the man it chose for me, was exactly how I’d have it if I could. So, it was quite ironic that the man the game picked for me was my first love, my unrequited love.

That just figures…

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