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Ugh

I just feel like my whole world is falling to pieces around me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Dave continues his now-daily abuse. I’m honestly scared, at this point, that it will eventually turn physical. Last night, I sat in my bag chair, and he locked me in by putting a hand on each armrest, got in my face, demanding to know what my problem was. I kept calmly asking him to please get out of my face. He finally did, and insulted my by saying I was “whacko.” I finally told him that my problem is the same as it has been for the last 8 years. He responded by saying “Oh, you’re upset that you haven’t quit smoking? Yeah, that upsets me too.” Jackass, that has nothing do to with my being upset! I told him so, and also said, again, that if he would hold back his constant insults over my bad habit, I may be less inclined to continue it. Not that he has a choice in the matter, with the exception that it is his money that’s funding it. Otherwise, I’m an adult and can make my own decisions. But when I’m constantly hearing from him that it’s “rancid” or other various insults, it just makes me more upset, and the more upset I am the more I smoke.

I hate feeling trapped. I don’t even know, at this point, if it would do any good to start saving my own money to the side once the house sells. My parents said, and they’re only right about half the time, that if we divorce, all our bills will be split. But, if we divorce because I am finally escaping abuse, and have that as part of the divorce and custody battles, then how could that still apply?

I have almost no hope left anymore that, once things get settled here, he would ever change back to the man I married. I think that, after 8 years, it probably comes so naturally that he won’t be able to stop, even if he’s not under the same stress as he has been the last 8 years.

My parents suggested that I stay at their house for a while, letting Dave know that we need the time apart to think about our marriage and what we’re going to do about it. I think he would be extremely pissed if I did that, considering the timing. It would be in about a month, and our stuff may not even be fully unpacked by then. So, while I do think that we need time apart to think about things, I don’t know that the timing they’re suggesting would make it possible.

I’m scared that if I do ask for a divorce, claiming verbal and emotional abuse, he’ll bring up my past psychiatric issues, and even that I’m still on an anti-depressant. First of all, though, my past psychiatric issues were due primarily to PTSD from the rape when I was 14/15. And I’ve since overcome that and finally moved on from it. Second of all, the recent use of the meds is in part due to my doctor knowing I was at high risk for post-partum depression/psychosis, and I’ve continued the treatment mostly due to my continued hormone imbalance and now my struggle to cope with the abuse. So, I think I could easily fight that, but not 100% sure.

I do know that, if the abuse turned physical, it would be my escape. Provided I wasn’t so scared of him hurting me more for leaving him. But, do I want to stick around for that to happen?

If I ask for a divorce, due to the abuse, would be able to get the spousal and child support? And, the only way to force him to pay that is to garnish his wages, doesn’t that have to come after so long a time of him not providing it?

My mind is just going over and over all of this constantly. How do I escape where I’m the winner in the battle? Logically, only if either the abuse turns physical, or he kicks me out. And, if he kicked me out, how do I fight for Casey?

The verbal and emotional abuse has extended to Casey already. I see that almost daily, too. It breaks my heart, and I just want to take him and run away where we will be safe. But, I can’t… at least, not yet. I have to figure a way out.

I’m scared that if I don’t get out soon, I will have another nervous breakdown. Then I would pretty much lose any chance of keeping Casey. I’m struggling daily to hang onto my sanity by a thread. I have to remain strong, for Casey… so that he doesn’t have to grow up being abused the same way I have all these years.

Casey… he is the only reason, I think, that I am even still alive at this point. My physical health is already being affected by the abuse, though I’m surprised it’s taken this long for that to start. My psychological health is not so good. But I have to stay strong, for Casey. One day, if Dave doesn’t change, we will escape. Someway, somehow.

I just don’t know anymore how.

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